


And I feel so alive again

by takemetothesky



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Has Issues, First Kiss, First Meetings, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lee Felix-centric, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 10:32:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16514672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takemetothesky/pseuds/takemetothesky
Summary: Felix had a tough life





	And I feel so alive again

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting any of my work, and since English isn't my mother language, any constructive criticism will be welcomed with open arms.  
> This took me over a month to write, so I hope you really like it!

**[Now]**

_It’s cold. It’s so damn cold._      

Felix has been walking around for almost four hours now, looking for a place to spend the night. It started to snow fifteen minutes after he left the bus terminal of Gwangju and he’s soaked by now. Maybe, it was stupid to do this during winter. Perhaps, it would be easier for him to find a place if he shouldn't have to wipe the snow from his face every ten seconds. Or maybe, it would be easier for him if he hasn't run away from home.    

 _No. I_ had _to._

He shakes his head and wipes the snow off of his eyes once again. That’s when he catches the slightest beam of blue light, coming from a sign in about a mile away. Felix smiles in relief, his breath coming out as a cloud of steam that the heavy wind takes away immediately. Without wasting any more time, he heads to the place.      

It’s a motel, next to the highway and rounded by leafless trees. Next to it, Felix sees what looks like a gas station. The convenience store is closed, but he hopes it would be open by the morning so he can grab something to eat. He fixes his gaze in the motel again, the blue-lighted sign shining on top of it.  _Meraki_ , it reads.    

The wind starts to get rawer then, more snow starting to fall. _It’s like a signal_ , Felix thinks as he rush his way to what looks like the reception of the place. It's warm in there and he feels how his blood starts to run through his veins again.     

The office it's a small room, with light yellow walls and carpeted floor. There's a desk in the middle, and a bunch of photos in the wall behind of it. And also, the office is empty. Felix takes off his winter gloves, revealing his cold, pale hands, and searches for the bell that's on top of the desk. That's when the door behind him slams open. 

“Excuse me?” Somebody calls. “Can I help you?”     

Felix turns around slowly, until he’s facing a brown-haired guy who doesn't look much older than him. Maybe he’s around nineteen or twenty years old. The stranger raises his eyebrows and only then Felix notices that he's been staring without saying a word. He gulps, trying to take back the breath that the beautiful stranger just stole from him.

“Hey, kid, are you listening to me?”      

“Sorry, I—” his voice comes out husky, so Felix clears his throat. “I need a place to spend the night, and I saw the sign outside, so—”    

“We’re out of vacancy. Didn’t you see that?” 

Felix feels how his heart falls down. “Out of vacancy?” he repeats with the hope that maybe he’d listen wrong. “There must be some place around here where—” he reaches in his pockets, showing a wad of crumpled bills. “I have money. Please, let me stay here.”     

“Listen, kid, I don’t—”     

“Minho-hyung, what’s taking you so— _oh_ ”     

 _Oh._ Felix thinks the same.

In the frame of the door there’s another guy, big curious eyes and worn out orange hair. He doesn't seem much taller than Felix himself and his face is nothing extraordinary, but the thing is… _he’s beautiful_. Probably not in a conventional way, but he's still so beautiful in Felix eyes that he wants to cry. The skin of the boy looks soft and clean, and the way he’s curling a little smile in Felix’s direction doesn’t help to stop the rising beat of his heart.     

“Hello there, I’m Jisung.”     

“Why are you even introducing yourself to a stranger?” the other guy, apparently called Minho, scolds.     

“It’s okay, hyung.” Jisung shrugs. “What’s your name?”    

“I’m—I'm Lee Felix.”    

Jisung gives him a bright smile and Felix finds his own lips curling up a bit. “And what are you doing in the middle of literally nowhere, Lee Felix?” 

"Well—" He clears his throat and glares shortly in Minho’s direction. “I needed—need a place to spend the night. But since there's no vacancy, I guess that... I'll just leave.”    

“Oh, _right_ , out of vacancy." He murmurs. "But you just need to spend one night, right?"    

"Jisung," Minho warns.     

"What? Hyung, it's just one night and we can—”    

"No." He cuts. "We're not doing this again."    

"But, hyung, he—"    

"No, stop it," Minho turns to look at Felix. "I'm sorry, but you should leave."    

"Minho, he doesn't have a place to go!"    

"It's hyung for you, you brat," he warns. "And—”    

“You’re only two years older!”    

“—it's not our problem if he doesn’t have a place to go.”    

"What's going on in here?"  

Felix feels how the warm escalate to his cheeks when a third stranger comes to the office. Minho and Jisung turns to look at him too, both of them gets quiet as they look at the guy. Felix swears that the two boys have lost their breath just as him, all because of the gorgeous stranger that is standing at the door.        

"So?"      

"Minho- _hyung_  doesn't want to let Felix spend the night here."      

"This kid here is—Jisung!"      

"It’s the true!"      

"I'm going to assumed that you're Felix, right?" The stranger speaks to him and all Felix can do is nod. "You don't have a place to spend the night?"      

Felix shakes his head. "I saw the sign outside, but—there's no vacancy. I thought that—I thought that maybe I could ask if there is some place where I can stay, just for tonight. I have money and—"    

"Keep that, kid." He says, pushing Felix's hands to his chest. He hesitates for a moment but ends up obeying with a blush over his cheeks. "My name is Bang Chan; I'm the owner of this motel." He introduces himself as he walks and sits behind the desk. "How old are you, anyway?"    

Felix looks at Jisung for a moment, then at Minho and finally at Chan. "I'm seventeen. But I will turn eighteen soon so it's not—"      

"Do your parents know that you're here?" The younger lowers his head, remaining silent. "I'm going to take that as a no."     

"Hyung, we can't do this again." Minho says behind him. "The last time—"     

"Minho-yah, Jisungie, please wait outside." Felix doesn't lift his head as the other two leave the room. He just stands there, tightening his hands into fists at the sides of his body. "Felix-ah, why are you here alone?"    

"Please." He murmurs as the tears begin to gather in his eyes. "Please, I just need a place to spend the night. It's  _so_ cold outside, it's just for tonight. I'll be leaving early in the morning, just—"      

"Did you run away from your house?" Chan interrupts. "That's why you're alone?" 

Felix doesn't answer, breaking in tears. He hears Chan standing up from his chair and walking in his direction, but that doesn't stop his sobs. The older —as he assumes— places a hand in his shoulder and squeezes a little but doesn't say a word and Felix is gratefully for that. It takes a few minutes, but he finally manages to stop crying.      

"Do you want some water, or maybe something to eat?"     

Felix nods. "Yeah, just—just water. I'm sorry for—" Chan raises a hand to cut him off.     

"It’s true that we're out of vacancy right now as, I assume, Minho told you." Chan starts talking as he walks with a plastic cup on his hand to the water dispenser. "But if it's only for tonight, there's a room out of service that we use as storage. It's not really—" he makes a gesture with his free hand, trying to find the right word. "Let's say _fancy_." He says, making Felix smile a little. "But if you're okay with that, there's a bed. You can use it."      

"I—" he accepts the cup of water. “For real?"      

"Yeah, it's not a big deal. We don't use that room anyway." Chan says with a shrug.      

Felix doesn't really think his actions before standing up and almost throwing the cup while he hugs Chan. He freezes in his place when he noticed what he just did, but the other man just pats his head and gives him a little smile. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He murmurs. There's a pink tone decorating his cheeks as he breaks the hug and walk a few steps back.     

Chan gives him another smile, before he surrounds the desk and searching for a key in one of the drawers. "There's a bathroom in there, you should take a shower or you’re going to get sick."      

"Ah, yeah" the younger says, running a hand through his wet hair. "Thank you so, so much. It really means a lot, Chan-ssi."     

"You can call me hyung, that’s okay."     

Felix nods. "Okay. Thank you... _hyung_."   

 

 **[Then]**

“Mommy," Olivia says while she's drawing in the coffee table. "When is daddy coming back?”     

Felix can see how his mom tenses up at the question. It’s still hard for her, talking about the break up and the divorce, but his little sister probably doesn’t understand much about that at the age of four. Felix doesn’t understand much either, he's only three years older than her after all. He doesn’t know why he father left nor why are they getting divorced, he doesn’t even know why his sister Rachel it’s living with their grandparents now. But little Felix knows he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like anything that makes his mom sad.     

“Let’s not talk about that right now,” Soo-Hee says with shaky voice. “How about we go out for dinner? It’s a nice day.”    

The two siblings shout excited at that and hug each other, jumping around together. Soo-Hee looks at them, smiling. Felix locks eyes with her then, smiling even wider.  _It doesn’t matter if papa doesn’t come home soon_ , he thinks.  _It’s okay as soon as we have mommy with us._  

“Okay, let’s go upstairs to change our clothes,” she smiles, clapping her hands together. “If we don’t end too late, we can have some ice-cream too.”   

Felix lets Olivia go ahead him in the stairs, waiting for his mom. But she waves a hand at him, indicating to go up and that she would go soon. The boy nods, obeying. It doesn't take him too much to change, so he goes back to the first floor.    

That's when Felix sees his mom in the kitchen.    

Her hands are clenched at the counter and she's visibly shaking. Felix knows her, so he realizes right away that she's crying, and panics a bit. "Mama?" He calls, approaching her.    

Soo-Hee jolts and turns around, his cheeks covered in tears. "Baby," she says breathless, wiping the tears away. "Are you ready to leave?"   

"Mommy," he frowns, his tiny hands cupping Soo-Hee's face. "Why are you sad?"   

"Mommy's not sad, baby," she smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "It's just that I hit my foot with the coffee table and it hurts _so much_."   

"Do you want to go to the hospital?"   

Soo-Hee presses her lips, containing a sob. "It's okay, it'll pass soon. Can you go check up on Olivia? I'm going to wash my face."   

As Felix goes upstairs, an ugly feeling grows in his stomach. He knows it's a lie, he knows mom is sad because papa won’t come home. Dinner outside and ice-cream doesn't sound so good if mommy is sad.   

 

 **[Now]**

Like Chan said, the room is far from being fancy. There's only one light bulb in the middle of the room, but it's enough to light up the whole place so it’s fine. At the back of the room, there's a bed next to the wall, and the rest of it is a mess of shelves crowed with cans, food packages, folded clothes and tools. It may be a mess, but somehow it looks clean.      

Felix leaves his bag on the floor next to the bed, before moving to the bathroom. It's a large room and his eyebrows lifts up in amazement when he sees the big bath tub in the corner. A shiver runs down his spine when he thinks about the hot water and how nice it must feel right now.      

A sad smile takes place in his face as he looks at his wet clothes. Chan has turned on the heater next to the door before he left, so maybe Felix can dry his clothes in there. He can always sleep with just his underwear, nothing he hadn't done before.      

Sounds like a plan, Felix thinks while he starts to take his jacket of. The room's still cold, so the boy shivers at the change of temperature. He takes off his white t-shirt and thinks a moment before taking one of the towels that it's folded with the rest of the clothes in one of the shelves. He dries his torso a little bit while the bath tub fills up, before lifting his legs one at time to take his combat boots off. The shoes hit the ground with a thud and Felix almost misses the soft knock that sounds in the door.      

"Felix-ssi, it’s me,” a cheerful voice calls. ”Jisung."     

Felix feels a little bit relief at the voice of Jisung, but he can feel his cheeks getting warmer because of the nerves. He gulps loudly and walks towards the door, panicking when he noticed that he's still shirtless. Felix doesn't think much before putting his wet shirt back on, his nose wrinkling when the cold fabric brushes his skin.       

"That took you long enough," Jisung smiles when he finally opens the door. "Everything is fine? I came to see if you were comfortable with the place."      

"Ah—yes, it's perfect," he nods. "Thank you."      

"Don't thank me, I didn't do anything," he shrugs, before a sigh comes out of his mouth. "I know what Minho-hyung said, but he's a good guy. He wasn't really going to let you outside in this weather."       

Felix nods, shifting his weight from one foot to another and looking anywhere but Jisung's face. The other boy smiles at that, leaning against the door frame and pointing at Felix's wet clothes with his head.    

"You should really take a bath before getting sick."      

Felix’s eyes get wide as he hears that. He trips over himself as he runs to the bathroom, a whine escaping his mouth as he sees how the water it's already dripping from the bathtub into the floor. Felix searches for the water tap and closes it, feeling his face completely red when Jisung whistle behind him.       

"Well, that for sure is  _a_ mess."     

"I'm so sorry, please don't tell Chan-hyung," Felix begs, feeling like he’s on the edge of crying. "I'll clean it up, please."      

"Ah, Felix-ssi, don't worry," Jisung smiles, ruffling the other's hair. "There are some towels we can use to clean this, c'mon."       

Jisung tries to keep the atmosphere comfortable with a small talk while they clean everything, but Felix seems lost in his thoughts, so the orange-haired eventually gives up after a few tries. He leaves the room for Felix to take a bath and get some sleep, but not without the promise that they're going to have breakfast together next morning.       

That night is tough for Felix. It doesn't feel like the warm nights back at home but neither like the cold hours that he had spent outdoors. He's in a comfortable bed and in a warm place, but it feels so empty, so strange.      

 _I wish I could go home._      

 

 **[Then]**

The nightmares started half year after his father left. Felix would hear his mother scream in the middle of the night before busting in tears. Once again, he didn’t understand much —he was going to be only eight years old next week after all— but he was glad that Olivia has always been a heavy sleeper.    

It became a routine soon. If Soo-Hee woke up at nights, Felix would do it too. He would carry his pillow to her room and climb in the bed next to her. His mom would just smile at him and kiss his forehead, pulling Felix into her arms. Sometimes she would fall asleep again; sometimes they would just be there in silence. Felix didn't care, he just wanted mommy to feel better.    

It was fine. It makes him feel special, somehow, that his mom was able to go back to sleep with him in there. That the monster in her nightmares won’t come again, because Felix was there to protect her. Until even that wasn’t enough.   

One particularly night, near the middle of July, Felix wakes up as usual with his mom crying in her sleep. The clock on his nightstand announces that its half past two in the morning—Felix learned to read the clock this year at school and he is very proud of himself.

The floor feels really cold under his feet, even if they’re wrapped in his favorite Spider Man socks, but he’s a big boy and he’s not going to complain over something so silly. The wind is making the windows creak when he gets out of his room and walks the few steps that separate Soo-Hee's bedroom from his own. Felix can hear his mom crying inside the room but when another voice — _a man's voice_ — speaks, he realizes his mom it's not crying because of the nightmares. She's with his dad.    

“You can’t do this, you can’t—” Soo-Hee cries. “They are _my_ children too. They don’t belong to you.”   

“That’s not what I’m saying; you’re not even listening to me!”    

“Hyungdon,” she says firmly. “Keep your voice down. Felix might wake up, he—”    

“Great!” the man says. “It would be easier to take him with me that way.”    

Felix gasps and covers his mouth immediately, too scared that his parents might hear him even with the door close. The socks suffocate the noise of his steps as he runs back to his dorm, locking the door before getting under the blankets.

He's scared. He's so, so scared. What does papa mean? Take him where? Why? Felix shakes his head, clenching his eyes shut as he feels the tears streaming down his face.  _No_ , this is wrong. Felix's not going anywhere. _He can't_. He needs to stay with mommy because he doesn’t want her to be sad.    

 

 **[Now]**

There’s a knock on the door. Felix is paralyzed for a moment, before stumbling as he tries to get rid from the bed sheets and reach the door. The knock repeats, and two male voices are heard from the outside whispering. He grabs his shirt from the top of the stove and puts it on before shoving himself into his jacket. It is still a little bit wet and it feels gross. He tries to fix his hair in a rush, before opening the door. 

"Woah, you look like shit," Jisung whistles. “You didn't sleep well?”   

Felix shifts from one foot to another, feeling uncomfortable under the look of Jisung and some other guy with blonde hair. " _Yah_ , you are fucking heartless,” the blonde boy hits Jisung’s nape. “Excuse him, Felix-ssi, he's still asleep. You don’t look that bad."     

"Um—yeah. I... Yeah"    

"My name is Woojin. Kim Woojin."    

“I’m Felix—Lee Felix.”     

“I know, I’ve heard a few things about you,” behind Woojin Jisung points at himself with a big, proud smile. “I was wondering... do you think that we can have a little talk?”      

Felix looks at Jisung; the orange haired lifts his thumbs and nods. “I guess that’s—that’s fine.”      

Woojin gives him a few minutes to get changed but Felix admits, ashamed, that he doesn't have more clothes besides the ones he's wearing. The blonde nods, a look of pity in his eyes, and tells him to go to the convenience store of the gas station. Jisung doesn't leave Felix's side and he's grateful for that.     

"Hello there," Chan smiles from behind the counter when they walk in the store. "Did you sleep well, Felix-ssi?"    

"Yes. Thank you for let me spend the night, hyung"    

"No problem, kid."    

Woojin walks Felix to the back of the store, where a few tables and chairs are next to a big window. Felix sits in front of the blonde, glaring at Jisung from the corner of his eyes, who is talking in between whispers with Chan.    

"So, Felix," Woojin smiles at. "Chan and Jisung have talked to me a little bit about you, but there's not much they know either. You are seventeen, right?"     

Felix nods. "But I'll be eighteen soon."    

"Really? When?"    

"Just—in a few months," he clears his throat. "September 15."    

"Well, we do have a _few months_ before that," Woojin crosses his arms and leans against the chair. "Chan told me that your parents didn't come with you. Do they know you're here?"    

"I'm—I don't—" Felix looks away. “They—”    

"It’s okay, it’s okay. I'm not scolding you, Felix-ah, don't worry," the blonde smiles gently. "We can talk about something else if you want to." Felix nods, still looking anywhere but Woojin. “Well, I’m going to talk about me— _us_ , so you would feel a little more comfortable. But first, it's okay if I grab some breakfast for us?”     

Felix nods, slowly. He lets out the breath he was holding once Woojin leaves the table and goes with Chan and Jisung. He watches them exchange some words, before the blonde grabs a few bags of food and comes back.     

"Okay, then," he smiles. "You already met a few of us: Chan, Jisung, Minho—and there are a few more. Three here, actually. Jeongin, Seungmin and Hyunjin. They'll be waking up in any minute now, so you would meet them soon. They're good kids, so you don’t have to worry."     

"All—all of you live in here?"     

"Well, this is not exactly a normal motel," Woojin says and Felix eyes gets wide. "We're not some kind of serial killers or something like that, I promise. It's just that the motel is never on vacancy because this is our home."    

“Home?”   

“Yeah. As you said, we live here. All of us”    

"I thought—when Chan said that he's the owner, I—Home? But you all look so young," Felix mumbles, looking at Chan. “He looks so young.”    

"Chan is young. He’s 20 years old,” Woojin nods. “This place was from his grandfather and he kind of inherited it two years ago. He's been living in here since then. His parents send money from time to time and he works for it too."    

"That's—wow. Why—?"    

"His parents were always busy. They were never at home, so it wasn't really difficult for him to move in."    

"Oh."     

Woojin nods, a gently smile placed on his lips. "I was the second to move in. Came here looking for a room and never left." He shrugs. "Jisung came after us. He came just a month later, I think. And soon Hyunjin and Jeongin made themselves a space too."     

"But—How...?"    

"How we get here?" Felix nods. "Well, I don't really believe in destiny and that kind of things, but I think the universe had something to do with us getting here in our worst moments. Just like you, right?"     

“Me?”   

“See, Felix... We’re not going to let you spend the night at the streets," Woojin slowly reaches and rest his hand in Felix's. "All of us had a talk last night and we decided that, if you don't have a place to go right now, you can live in here for a while. There's a place available for you. So just think about it, yeah?” He smiles warmly, leaving his seat. "And just—we're not going to force you to talk about what happened, you can take all the time you want."    

 

**[Then]**

“Hey, kiddos”    

Rachel waves at them with enthusiasm. The train station is crowded but Felix runs towards his sister anyway, dodging people until he's able to jump into her arms. She lifts him from the ground for a seconds and Felix laughs loud. Olivia joins them soon, wrapping her tiny arms around Rachel’s left thigh.    

"Look at you, guys. You two are really grown up now!"   

"I have all these years now," Olivia says exited, lifting his hand to show five fingers up. Then, she lifts three more. “And Felix has all these!”    

Rachel smiles at them, pulling the younger ones into another hug. “I missed you so, so much.”   

“We missed you too, Ray-Ray,” Felix says. “I learned so many things at school and—oh! Olivia's first tooth fell last week! Show her, show her.”   

Soo-Hee looks at the three of them trying to hold the tears back. Felix and Olivia jump around their older sister and Rachel looks as happy as them, listening to the way her siblings tell her how everything have been lately. Behind them, standing and smiling quietly, is her ex mother in law. She seems really happy to see the kids and that makes Soo-Hee feel a little of relief. 

“Alright, kids," she says. "Grandpa is waiting for us in the car. Let’s wish mommy a good trip and get going.”  

Felix gulps and breaks the hug he’s giving Rachel to run to his mother. Soo-Hee wraps him with both arms, squeezing her eyes to not let the kids see her crying. “Mommy, don’t go. We can live all together at grandma’s house; I can even share my bed with you.”

Soo-Hee lets out a sob. “I can’t, baby,” she says while caressing Felix’s hair. “You have to promise me that you’re going to be a good kid, and that you’re going to take care of Rachel and Olivia, yeah?”

“But—”

“Where are you going, mommy?” Olivia pouts. “You are leaving us like papa did?”

“No, no, Liv. I would never,” Soo-Hee smile looks broken. “I’m just going for a couple of weeks to the doctor and then I’m coming back for the three of you. And we are going to be able to go back home, yeah?” Olivia nods. “But you have to take care of each other and be good kids with grandma and grandpa. Can you both promise me that?”

Felix cries all the way to their new home, the feeling of his mom’s arms wrapped around him still warm against his skin, and her perfume impregnated in Olivia’s clothes.

 

**[Now]**

The door of the convenience store gets open, a little bell on top of it jingling due the movement. Then, Minho walks in. He gives Chan a little smile and a nod of his head, before leaning in and kissing the top of Jisung's head, who gives him a bright smile.      

“Good morning, hyung,” Minho says to Woojin. “Felix”      

“Minho-hyung” Jisung scolds.       

The taller rolls his eyes. “Hope you had a good night, Felix- _ssi_.”      

“I did,” he nods shortly. “Thank you, Minho-hyung”     

Woojin smiles at him and gets up from his chair. “Eat something, yeah? And take all the time you need to think about our talk”    

Felix nods and picks one of the food packages with shame. Jisung joins him soon, talking about some kind of dream that he had last night and how Felix was there too. He’s way _too_ energetic for being so early in the morning, but Felix doesn't mind. He feels comfortable with Jisung; it's easy to talk and to joke with him. So he relaxes and talks back to Jisung, laughing at how stupid the dream actually was.

After almost an hour, he meets the rest of them. They’re nice kids, as Woojin said. Hyunjin is a few months older than Felix —as Chan tells him— but looks a lot bigger because he's  _tall_. He has dark hair, bulky lips and it's just so damn beautiful that it almost seems like a joke. Felix thinks that when the beauty of the world was distributed, Hyunjin received a triple ration.       

The next of them it’s Seungmin. Felix likes him immediately, founding comforting the way the boy smiles in his direction. This time, it’s Woojin the one that tells him that there are only a few days apart between their birthdays,  Seungmin being younger.       

When Jeongin's turn to introduce comes; he gives Felix a shy smile as greeting. They don't really talk to each other, being Woojin the one who ends up introducing the younger.  "This is our baby Jeongin," he says as he ruffs a hand through the brown hair of the boy that it's sitting in front of him. The younger boy smiles at Felix again, waving a hand. "He's a little shy too, but I bet you two are going to get along pretty easy."   

Felix it’s okay with that. He understands because he doesn’t like strangers either. But somehow, it’s comfortable being around them. He feels a little better, a little more accepted so he allows himself to let his guard down.        

Once again, Jisung doesn‘t leave his side, saving him from questions that still are a little too personal to answer. And, once again, Minho's heavy gaze doesn’t leave him. Felix still doesn’t know why the older doesn’t like him.      

“So, are you staying here then?” Seungmin asks at some point. They’re distributed between the two beds and the floor of the room that Chan and Woojin share. “Are you going to live with us?”      

Felix blushes because suddenly all the eyes are on him. “I guess. I—I don’t really have anywhere else to go right now, and if it’s okay with you—with all of you, I—”      

“We’re good with that. That's why we offered you to stay in the first place.”       

“You’re going to love being here, Felix-ah!” Jisung smiles at him, patting his thigh. “I know that it seems like this place is boring as hell—”      

“Hey!”      

“—but we actually have a lot of fun here. No offense, Chan-hyung.”      

“And who’s he going to share room with?” Minho speaks then. “We all have roommates already.”      

“I can—” Felix clears his throat. “I can sleep in the storage room. It's okay for me, I—”      

“He’ll share with me,” Seungmin smiles. “Is that okay, Felix-ssi?”      

Felix smiles and nods shortly. “Yeah, it’s okay.”      

Seungmin’s room it’s completely different from Chan and Woojin’s one. And it’s different from the storage room, too. There are two beds on opposite walls, a TV and a door that, Felix assumes, must be the bathroom. Probably looks pretty much like all the rooms in there, but the décor it’s what makes it different. The walls are painted in a dark blue, and the big closet next to the TV’s cabinet it's covered with posters of Day6. There're also a few pictures and draws pinned in the walls, and stuffed animals around the room. The thing that Felix likes the most, are the little stars that shine in the dark, all of them glued to the ceiling like some kind of artificial night sky.    

That’s what he’s staring at now because he can’t sleep. Not only for the fact that never was easy for him to fall asleep in a bed that isn’t his or his mom’s, but due the conversation that he and Seungmin had a few hours ago.     

(Felix waits patiently, standing next to the door, until Seungmin sits in one of the beds and points the other. "You can use that one. I don't really like sleeping next to the windows, that’s why this is my bed."     

"Oh," Felix nods. "Thank you, again. For—you know, let me sleep in here."    

“It’s cool,” Seungmin rolls in the bed until he’s flat on his stomach. “I haven’t had a roommate in a while.”    

“But... what Minho said, I thought—”    

“Felix-ssi, let’s not talk about that, yeah?”)    

Felix sighs, rolling until he’s facing the window. He can see the reflection of the shinning letters from the sign outside through the curtains, and he can hear the TV in the next room on, but even that doesn't take his thoughts away. He keeps thinking about the conversation, and about how all this people are helping him without a second though. Finally, around four in the morning, he manages to fall asleep.     

[He dreams of artificial skies and stuffed animals, and Jisung holding his hand with a big smile, calling him _friend._ ]

 

**[Then]**

The first months goes by pretty fast from Felix's point of view. He likes living with Rachel again and his grandparents are pretty cool too. They let him stay late at night watching cartoons and they always give him a candy after dinner. They go often to the park that it’s in the corner of the block, too.    

But soon, Felix starts to feel nostalgic. He has missed his mom since day one, but it was okay because they used to talk every day. But the calls started to be less and less frequent over the past weeks and now it's been almost four days without knowing a thing from her. Felix misses his mom. And Olivia does too.   

They haven’t known anything from their dad, either, and Felix just doesn’t get it. Papa has the chance to be with his own mother and father but he’s not there. He doesn’t come home after work like he used to do it when they lived together. Papa doesn’t come to have lunch and dinner on Sundays either. Felix doesn’t get it.    

He often sits in his room —because grandpa said that Felix is a big boy and he can’t share room with Rachel and Olivia anymore, so he has his own—, in the couch next to the window, and just look outside, thinking where mommy is and why she hasn’t come back yet.    

“Felix, is everything okay?” Rachel sounds concerned. “Are you sad?”   

“Ray-Ray,” he mumbles. “When is mommy coming for us? I want to go home.”   

Rachel sighs and closes the door behind her. Felix watches his sister approaching him until she sits in the floor and takes his hand. "Felix... You know mom it's at the hospital, right?" He nods. "She needs to be there because she's sick and the doctors are trying to fix her."   

"Fix her?"    

"Yeah. Like—like when I get a headache from studying too hard and grandma gives me a pill to feel better. To fix me."   

"Oh," he looks down. "And how long is going to take for the pill to fix her?"    

"It's more complicated than just one pill, baby," she caresses his hair. "But she's going to be here soon, I promise."   

Later that year, when grandma says that mom is not going to come back home because the doctor couldn’t fix her, Felix yells at Rachel that she's a liar.

[He dreams of warm hands caressing his cheeks, a soft kiss placed on his forehead. “It’s okay, baby. Don’t worry. You'll be fine.”]

 

**[Now]**

One week soon becomes two, then three, and before Felix can even realize it, he’s been living in the motel for a whole month. He can’t deny that it was hard at the beginning, being away from the place he should call home, and starting to live with people that he didn't even know. But the boys made it easy for him; always making he fit in their conversations and always including Felix in their plans as if he was there since the begginning. 

He has learned a few things in this month.

Like the fact that since Jeongin is always the first one to get up —except for special cases aka staying up 'till late at night watching movies with Seungmin and Felix— and Hyunjin is the hardest one for them to wake up, they share a room.

And that Seungmin loves to take pictures of  _everything,_ and that he is a really clean person, too. The younger doesn’t hesitate in telling Felix to clean up his mess.

And also, that Jisung is only one day older than him.    

(“Holy fuck, we were almost twins.”    

“You two don’t even look alike” Minho rolls his eyes.     

“Shut up, hyung,” Jisung presses his cheek next to Felix’s. “Look at this; we’re almost the same person. You could easily mistake us.”)    

He learned that Chan is very silly, but knows how to get serious when the moment merits it. And that he is from Australia too.

Also, that both Hyunjin and Minho _love_ to dance with all his heart and used to be in a dance club together in high school. 

Felix has learned the fact that Jisung is completely in love with Minho too and, even if the eldest tries to deny it, he feels the same way towards Jisung. He suspects that that's why Minho didn't like him in first place.    

He thinks that the thing that he learned the best was how to act around them. While Seungmin, Hyunjin and Minho sometimes prefer a quiet space, the other three are  _loud_  at every hour of the day. But they make it work, somehow, even if there are fights sometimes that lead to uncomfortable silences. It might be just a month ago since he got there, but Felix thinks of them as a family now.

A little bit broken and a little bit patched, but a family after all.    

 

**[Then]**

Four years.      

It takes four god damn years for Hyungdon to give the littlest sign of life. It’s September 15, Felix is turning twelve and having a nice time with the friends he made and some family members that grandma invited when his father shows up at the backyard of the house.     

Felix is shocked and it’s only when his friend Darel softly nudges him in the ribs and questions him about  _who is that dude_  that he comes back to Earth. Hyungdon is smiling forcefully at him, a gift in one hand and a young boy holding the other.     

“What are you doing here?” Felix then looks at Olivia. She’s surprisingly mature for being only nine years old. (Felix secretly wants to be like her). “I’m pretty sure grandma didn’t invite you.”     

Felix doesn’t want him there. He’s never going to forgive Hyungdon for leaving them. The older man didn’t even care that he was leaving his sick wife or his kids.  _His fucking family._  He never actually cared for them.  

The thought that he should’ve been there for his mother appears suddenly in Felix’s mind. He  _should’ve_  been there. He  _would’ve_  been there if his father hadn’t separated him from his mother to leave him at his grandparents’ house and then disappear.    

“Hello, Felix,” Hyungdon says, ignoring completely Olivia’s words. He offers then the wrapped box to Felix. “I hope you like the gift. It’s one of the newest models in the market right now.”

Everyone in the party has their attention towards them and the uncomfortable and forced aura that surrounds them both. Felix doesn’t accept the gift, feeling sick in the stomach at the thought of the words that his father is probably going to say next.

“He’s Lee Jaeyong,” the man introduces with a big, proud smile on his face. “He’s your younger brother, so be kind with him.”     

A younger brother.

A new family.

He left because he has a _new family_.

Jaeyong looks uncomfortable, clinging to his— _theirs_ father’s arm with his gaze fixed in the ground. He’s probably four, five years old and Felix almost feels bad for him, but his heart it’s too resentful towards his father to even harbor any emotions towards someone else right now.

It looks like Hyungdon still doesn’t care about them, about his _family._ Felix wants to punch his _father_ in the face.    

 

**[Now]**

The group doesn’t waste time in fitting Felix into their routine. There are rules and he’s part of them now. For example, if the group of the hyungs —Woojin, Chan, Minho and Hyunjin— is in charge of the cooking, the group of the maknaes —Jisung, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin— will be the one to clean later, and vice versa. The clothes are washed twice a week, Tuesday by the younger group and Friday by the oldest one. And they don't go too often to do the groceries since they have the convenience store always filled, but at least once a month —sometimes more— all of them squeeze up in the old van that Chan has and go to the nearest town.   

Felix is with Hyunjin one Friday in the afternoon, folding the dried clothes. Woojin asked it in favor, if Felix would cover his turn so he could give some help to Chan in the counting of the stock. The younger boy agreed immediately, because he really likes spending time with Hyunjin but, somehow, they never happen to be alone. 

“Ah,” Hyunjin sighs. “This is going to take forever. Fold the clothes of nine boys? Let's start using disposable clothes instead.”    

Felix laughs. “We’re  _eight_  boys, hyung,” he corrects. “But the disposable clothes are not a bad idea.”    

“Oh. Yeah, you—you’re right”   

Felix isn’t really sure why, but suddenly the atmosphere feels tense. It doesn’t feel like the comfortable silence that he is used to share with them by now. And _damn it_ ¸ Felix knows it’s his fault.

Maybe Hyunjin doesn’t like being corrected when he’s wrong or maybe he just doesn’t like Felix in general.   

“Hyung, I’m sorry. If I said—” he clears his throat. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong or—”   

“It’s not that,” Hyunjin interrupts him. “I promised it’s not your fault, Felix-ssi, it’s just—I can’t do this anymore,” he lets out a shaky breath. “I just—I miss him so much.”  

Felix panics when the older boy starts crying. He was never good at comforting people and he knows Hyunjin isn’t really a _fan_ of physical contact. But also, he doesn’t know what else to do, so he wraps his arms around Hyunjin, letting out a surprised gasp when the other clings to his arms like Felix is some kind of lifeline.   

That's the first time he hears about Seo Changbin. 

The funny, pure and _too-precious-for-this-world_  Seo Changbin. Hyunjin talks about him like he was the one that put the stars in the sky and Felix feels so overwhelming about that, because he never saw Hyunjin this way. But he just sits in there and listens and learns and falls a little.    

Changbin seems cold, but he has actually the purest heart that you could ever find. He claims that he just loves dark things in general, but he can’t sleep without a stuffed toy animal. He's sarcastic and very direct with his words, but Changbin is always going to say that he's just honest.

Changbin likes horror movies and collect things and the autumn. He cries easily but never in front of someone that he doesn’t trust. And he’s cheerful and _a fool_ , in Hyunjin’s words.

“It’s been almost two months since he left this time”

They changed positions. Felix is lying against the wall now, and Hyunjin has his back against Felix’s chest. The younger boy can’t stop thinking how small and broke his hyung looks right now. He can’t fight the urge to protect him either.

“It’s the first time he—” Hyunjin gulps, his limps trembling. “The longer time he left was two weeks. _God_ , I’m too worried about him.”   

“Why don't you call him?” Felix blurts out. “Sorry, that was a stupid question. He probably doesn’t have a phone.”   

Hyunjin gives a hurt smile. “He does. He just never answers me.”   

“What about the others?”   

“I don’t know,” Hyunjin shrugs. “We don’t really talk about Changbin when he leaves. It hurts too much, we don’t even know if—if he’s coming back.”   

They stay in silence, in part because it seems what Hyunjin needs now and in part because Felix doesn’t know what to answer at that. He bites his lip in sign of doubt before sinking his hand in Hyunjin’s hair, getting the older boy to hum in approbation, shifting into a comfortable position between Felix’s arms. He looks even smaller, Felix thinks, if that's possible.

It’s strange. It’s been a while since the last time he had feel this warm—this comfortable around someone, and he doesn't want to ruin the moment, but the words are stinging in his throat. He hesitates for a moment, finally asking in a low voice. “Why does he run away, hyung? Is there something...?”  

Hyunjin takes a deep breath, shaking slightly his head. “No. It's just… because of feelings, I guess.”  

Ah, damn feelings.

Felix knows about that.  

 

**[Then]**

They are at the backyard of their grandparent house after a month when it finally happens. “Hyung,” Jaeyong calls. “Why do you live with the grandparents, and not at home with mommy and daddy and me?” 

“That’s because your mom is not my mom," Felix explains. "We have the same dad, but not the same mom.”

“Why?” the younger boy tilts his head to look at Felix. “Where’s your mom now?”

Felix clenches his fists and looks away. “She’s not here.”

“Why? Did she leave you? My mommy said that if a person doesn’t love you, they go away. A mommy can do that too?”

Felix knows that Jaeyong is still too innocent so it’s not his fault, but all he wants to do right now it's to run away. And cry and scream because _fuck_ , it still hurts like hell to even think about it. But Felix is all grown now so he takes a few deep breathes and ruffs Jaeyong’s hair.

“My mom loved me a lot. A _whole_ lot,” he says, trying to not sound harsh. “But she’s gone now; she couldn’t stay here with me or the girls because—because she was sick.”

“Sick?”

“Yeah, she—,” Felix gulps. “She was sick. But she loved me—us, a lot. And she would love to be here with us, as much as I would love that, but she can't. So you should be thankful to have you mom," he smiles sadly. "Take care of her and always tell her how much you love her, yeah?”

Jaeyong nods, easily getting distracted running after the ball when Felix kicks it a little too hard intentionally. They don't talk about it again.

That night, when he is lying in his bed and its past three in the morning, Felix thinks about his mom.

Would she get mad at him if Felix tries to follow her?

Would she hate him if Felix just pack a few things, and disappears into the night?    

 

 **[Now]**      

Hyunjin begs Felix not to talk about what happened in the laundry so he keeps his mouth shut. Until, it happens again. He's not there this time, but when Woojin comes into the convenience store and calls for Seungmin and Jeongin because _Hyunjin's having another panic attack_ , Felix is the first one to get there.

“Hyung, what if—” he chokes on his sobs, hands clenching into the sleeves of Chan’s hoodie and face hiding in his chest. “What if he doesn’t come back this time? What if—?”

“Jinnie, don’t say that,” Chan whispers, caressing the younger’s back. “Changbin loves you, he loves all of us. We are his family; he’s going to come back.”

“Hyung,” Jeongin calls breathless.

Felix moves out of the way and lets him get into the laundry room. Seungmin follows just a few steps behind. Hyunjin lifts his head at the voice and looks at them with a pout in his plump lips. He looks broken, wasted, fucking _tired_. Felix wants to cry just by seeing him like that.

“It’s okay,” Seungmin murmurs into his hair, placing a kiss. “It’s okay; he’s going to come back.”

They end up changing rooms. Seungmin asks it as a favor to _keep an eye on Hyunjin_ and of course Felix doesn't refuse, so he ends up sharing room with Jeongin. It's nice spending time with the younger. They watch TV until late some nights, and sneak into the convenience store to find candies in others. They talk a lot, too. About everything but anything in particular, until the tiredness beats them both.

Felix doesn't talk about it, he doesn't mention the subject to anyone —even though he _tried_ to give some clues to Jisung about it—, but he can hear Jeongin walking in the middle of the night often, on his tiptoes, until he leaves the room. Felix knows he goes to Seungmin and Hyunjin, the walls are very thin and he can hear the next room's door cracking open every time he leaves, and the whispers that the three boys share. Felix can only smile at that.

That’s the way he meets Seo Changbin two nights before his birthday.     

Felix hears the steps wandering around the room and he's a hundred percent sure that _is_ Jeongin. It takes a few seconds for his brain to remember that the younger boy didn't even come to the room that night, saying that Hyunjin wasn't in a good condition for Seungmin to handle him alone. Before he can even have a reaction, somebody jumps on top of him.

"Hey, Jinnie,” a deep voice whispers. “I’m back.”    

"Um—I'm—I'm not—" Felix stutters. "I'm not _Jinnie_."    

The person stands up between stumbles and reaches for the light switch. Felix sits in the bed and blinks, trying to habituate his eyes to the sudden light. “Who the hell are you? Where’s Hyunjin—why are you on his bed?”      

“I’m—I’m Felix. Lee Felix. Who—?” Felix shakes his head, realization hitting him. “Are you Changbin?”     

The other boy lifts his eyebrows, surprised. “How do you know me?”     

“Hyunjin told me about you. He—He’s sleeping in Seungmin’s room right now, I can—go and wake him and—”     

“He’s having troubles to sleep again, huh?” Changbin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I’ll talk to him in the morning, I guess,” he shrugs. “Mind if I sleep here tonight?” 

Felix eyes widen because _why is he even asking me,_ but he can't seem to find the words to talk so he just shakes his head. Changbin nods shortly and turns off the lights. Felix can hear him taking his shoes off and walking to Jeongin’s bed, before dropping himself into the mattress with a thud and a new sigh.

“So, Lee Felix,” he calls. “Are you a part of the family now?”

“I—I guess so. Chan-hyung says I am.”

“How long have you been here?”     

“Um—I came here a month ago or so,” Felix answers, unsure of what to say next. “What about you, Changbin-ssi?”     

“No ‘hyung’? Are you older than me?” 

“I’m seventeen,” Felix clears his throat, uncomfortable with the thought that he may have offended Changbin. “I'm turning eighteen in two days.”     

“Your birthday is a day after Jisung’s?”      

“Yeah,” a pause. “Did you come back for him?”     

“Mostly,” Felix hears the rumble of the sheets while Changbin changes his position. “I’m your hyung, by the way. Turned nineteen in August.”     

"Oh"    

Changbin lets out another deep breath before complaining. “I’m not even tired, how am I going to fall asleep?”      

“We can... talk. To each other. If you want to,” Felix proposes. “To, you know, kill time.  _Hyung_.”      

Changbin snorts a laugh at the last word. “You aren’t tired, Felix-ah?”       

“I have insomnia,” he confesses in a low voice. “I’m used to sleep just a few hours.”      

They talk about Korea and Australia and the differences between both cultures until the sun is visible through the curtains . Felix tells the older how hard it was for him to move out of the place where he was born and raised, and Changbin tells him about how he never actually left the country. Felix tells him that they would go to Australia someday, mostly as a joke, but Changbin makes him promise it.

At some point of the night, the thought that it’s pretty easy and comfortable to be around Changbin crosses Felix’s mind. The older makes him laugh and doesn't let the gaps of silence become weird between them.   

"You still not tired?"  

"Mh," Felix mumbles, fighting to keep his eyes open. He feels dizzy due the tiredness and his voice sounds sleepy. "No."  

Changbin laughs. "Go to sleep, Felix," he hums. "Hope you can rest well."   

But Felix is already sleeping.   

[He dreams about the Harbour Bridge and a boy—brown, bright hair and a smile that could bright up a whole room. They walk through the bridge holding hands the entire time. He misses him a lot.]

 

**[Then]**

“What is that?”

The weather is nice. It’s a hot day, but the wind keeps it fresh and comfortable to be outside. Felix can smell the salt of the sea every time it blows and it makes him feel something warm on his chest. Or maybe the sensation its due Darel sitting next to him, shoulders pressed together.

“What do you mean what is  _that_? You don’t know what bisexual means?”   

Felix is not dumb. He knows what the words gay, and bisexual and lesbian means. He’s almost thirteen, for fucks sake. “No, you idiot,” he says, his cheeks red. “I mean what—how did you—?”   

“How I realized it?”    

Felix nods shortly. Darel shrugs, drawing random figures in the sand next to him. They don’t talk for a few minutes, the younger boy patiently waiting for Darel to say something. “I saw Ava kissing her boyfriend the other day,” the older says then. Felix can see his cheeks blushing. “I felt curios about it, so I asked her what it feels like to kiss a boy. She was shocked at first.” 

“Did she get mad at you?”   

“No, no,” Darel shakes his head. “She was just shocked. And then she asked me if I like boys. I said that I don’t know. I find boys as cute as girls,” he shrugs. “She told me that that means that I’m bisexual… Probably”   

“Probably?”   

“Yup,” the older smiles at Felix. “I particularly never liked  _liked_  someone, so I can’t be sure about that. Ava told me that she found a lot of girls cute, but that doesn’t mean that she likes them. She said that she still straight because she could never be with a woman.”    

“So… Summarizing: you could be bisexual, but you’re not sure because you never liked  _liked_  someone.”   

“Exactly,” Darel nods, doing a small pause. “What about you?”   

“Me—what—what do you mean _me_?”   

Darel laughs and ruffs Felix's hair. “Do you like someone?” Felix blushes fiercely and looks away. Darel laughs at him. “Yah, Felix, c´mon. we’re best friends, right? We’re supposed to talk about this. You can tell me.”   

“I—I don’t know. Stop it.”   

“Felix?”   

“What?”   

“ _Felix_ ,” Darel hums softly. “Look at me.”   

“No, it’s embarrassing.”   

“Felix, mate, c’mon.”   

He ends up looking at Darel, still with his cheeks burning. The older smiles at him and ruffs his hair once more, before leaning in and kissing the corner of Felix’s mouth. The younger boy’s eyes widen at that and he falls backwards as he tries to put a gap between them. Darel falls backwards too, but from laughing too hard.   

 

**[Now]**

Felix wakes up because of Chan.

He hears the door of the room being open following by the sound of soft steps. _Chan’s steps_ , he knows, since he already has learned how to recognize all of them. 

Where Chan and Jeongin's steps are usually soft —because they’re always wearing socks, it doesn’t matter if the world if burning from heat outside—, Jisung doesn’t know how to be noiseless when he walks, stomping with every step; and Seungmin just doesn’t care if he wakes someone up. Hyunjin is not a problem because he's the last one in get up, and it's unusual for Woojin to come into one of the rooms without knocking first. Minho, on the other hand, is so quiet that he can ransack your room and you would never find out until you wake up.    

It’s probably past lunchtime, because Chan wouldn't come to look up on him other side. But when the steps suddenly stop and when Felix's brain processes the events of the previous night, he understands. He opens his eyes immediately, founding Chan standing in the middle of the room with a concern face.    

"Hyung," Felix calls. "Hyung, are you—?"   

"Is—is that Changbin? Is he back? Is he—?"   

Felix rushes out of bed to hold Chan when he stumbles a few steps closer to Changbin. The older boy turns to look at Felix then, the expression of bewilderment still drawn on his face. "Hyung, let's go outside and talk, yeah?" he whispers. "Changbin-hyung came pretty late last night and he must be tired."   

Chan doesn't refuse, letting Felix handle him until they're outside the room. They sit in the bench placed in the hallway and the younger one helps Chan to put his shoes back on. “He came back last night?”    

Felix nods. “Around three in the morning, I think.”   

“Did you saw him? Is he okay? Isn’t he hurt?”   

“Hyung, calm down, please” Felix holds him by the shoulders. “He’s fine. He didn’t look hurt anywhere. _He’s fine_.”   

“Felix-ah, you don’t understand. Changbin is—,” Chan runs a hand though his hair. “I need to check on him before Hyunjin sees him. If he is hurt…, if he’s—”   

“I can assure you that he’s fine. He’s not hurt,” Felix clears his throat. “Please, trust me on this one, hyung.”   

“Okay,” Chan nods, breathing deeply. “Okay”   

 

**[Then]**

It's Christmas Eve's morning. Felix has been sitting on his bed for almost an hour, playing nervously with his fingers and touching his neck, where his vein beats faster by every minute. Outside, he can hear the voices of his family talking and laughing together. They are probably having breakfast outside since the weather have been warm these days.   

He counts to three, then to five, then to fifteen before having the courage enough to open the door and walk down the hallway to the entrance door. His hand shake when he takes the door knob and open it.

"Felix.” His grandma smiles at him warmly when Felix steps out the door. “Come here, have something to eat. It’s going to be a long day.”   

“I’m—I—” Felix mumbles and suddenly all the eyes are on him. “I need to—I’m—”   

“Felix?” Rachel stands up from her chair and walks towards him. Felix flinches when his sister touches his arm. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?”   

“I’m—” he blurts out suddenly, looking at Rachel with panic. “Ray-Ray, I’m… I think I’m gay,” his voice sounds breathless. “I’m gay, I’m—I don’t want to—”   

Olivia is the first one that comes out of shock and hugs Felix. He breaks then, the tears finally falling from his eyes as he slowly drops in the floor, Olivia’s arms still holding him tight. He cries his heart out, covering his eyes with both hands to avoid the look _he knows_  his grandma is giving him.    

“Felix, don’t be silly,” Olivia whispers as she cares his hair. “Why are you crying? Don’t be dumb, it’s okay. It’s okay, I still love you.”   

 _It is fine_ ; he repeats to himself, _it is fine, it is okay_. 

It is, in fact, okay.

Of course it is.

Until he hears the door being close with a little bit more strength that what is actually necessary. When he lifts his head from Olivia’s shoulder, there’re no traces of Rachel or his grandma. Felix brokes in tears again.    

 

**[Now]**

It seems like Changbin is a light sleeper, so he heard Chan entering the room, too. He stepped out barefoot; his hair a mess and his face looking tired, when Felix was still trying to calm Chan. Felix’s brain shorted cut for a second because _fuck_ , why does he looks so handsome? On the other hand, Chan didn’t even hesitate in jump into the other arms. 

Now that Felix can see at him in the day light, he sees the ghost of a bruise that’s still healing in his right cheek. And he has red marks around his left wrist, the one that is wrapping Chan’s neck as he cries in Changbin’s shoulder. Felix shifts his weight from one foot to another a little bit uncomfortable, feeling like some kind of intruder. 

“Why are you crying now, hyung?” Changbin whispers. “You’re going to make me cry too.” 

“Why the hell you didn’t answer your phone?” Chan sniffs. “Two months, Changbin. Two _fucking_ months, do you how worried—?” 

Changbin cups Chan’s face. “Hey, hyung. Hey, look at me, c’mon,” he says with a smile. “I’m back. That’s the important thing. I’m back and not planning in leaving for a long time.” 

“You promise me?” 

Changbin looks at Felix and smiles shortly at him. The younger one understands without the need of a word. “Chan-hyung, let’s go grab some breakfast. Changbin-hyung probably wants to take a shower before coming with us, right? Then we—you can talk better about it.” 

-

The eight of them are all gathered around two tables that were putted together in the convenience store. It’s a bit uncomfortable because they still have to be a little squeezed up against each other due the small space, but its fine, since the weather it’s pretty cold.  

Felix next to the window, pressed against this one with Jisung leaning against him. He’s not talking too much, paying closer attention to Chan and the way he acts nervous around everyone. Woojin asked him about it, but Chan’s just shook his head and smile, assuring he's fine.  

It's when Jeongin, sitting across the table, stars talking about the dream he had last night that Felix sees him. Changbin walks direct to them, wearing a big, red jacket that looks _too_ big on him and that Felix _knows_ its Hyunjin's. The older puts his finger on his lips, a signal to Felix to be quiet and he nods shortly, too lost in the ethereal way that Changbin looks right now.

“Hey, everyone”   

Felix is amazed by the way Hyunjin’s eyes sparkles when he sees Changbin at the door frame. The taller seems a bit lost for a second, before his face contracts when he starts crying, while he reaches for Changbin and pulls him into a tight hug. 

 _It’s so unfair_ , Felix thinks. Even when Hyunjin is crying he just looks so-fucking-stunning.   

Seungmin seems to be a bit lost, too and Jeongin’s mouth drops open. Chan looks like a proud father, even though he’s trying not to cry. Woojin is the second one that leaves his place at the table and goes to Changbin for a hug. Minho is the next one, and a crying-pouting Jisung joins them. Soon all of them are tangled in a messy hug, Hyunjin and Changbin being the center of it. Felix can hear the cries and the whispers they say and feels  _so_ out of place.  

“You, piece of shit,” Minho cries. “Where were you?”  

“You are not allowed to leave for so long again or I’m going to punch you,” Jisung threats. “I don’t care if you are my hyung.”  

Felix is careful to not disturb the group as he leaves the store. He is grateful that Changbin left the door open so the bell won't ring when he walks out, alerting the others. When he steps out of the store to the cold weather, he shrinks into the jacket Can had lent him.   

It’s when reaches the room that he shares with Seungmin, that Felix suddenly feels bad. _That must be Changbin’s room_. That’s why Seungmin didn’t have a roommate. And that’s why he didn’t want to talk about it. As Hyunjin said, the group doesn’t talk about Changbin when he leaves.   

Felix sighs deep, walking into the room. Now that Changbin is back, he better look for a new place to spend a couple of days.

 

**[Then]**

Felix's grandma doesn’t speak to him for four days. It's like a torture; waking up and going straight to the kitchen to only find his younger sister and his breakfast already served. It makes his chest ache deep inside. But his grandma ends up showing at two in the morning in Felix’s room, and they cry together, hugging tight into each other.

“I’m so sorry, son,” she murmurs against his hair. “I’m sorry I reacted like that. It was wrong.”

“I’m sorry for being like this, grandma. I’m so, so sorry, I'm going to change it, I'm—”  

“Felix, no,” she cups Felix’s face. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything. I reacted like that because it was all so sudden and I didn’t— _I_ was wrong. But you don’t have to be sorry for loving, baby. Never, you hear me? You never have to be sorry for that.”   

With Rachel is different though.

She doesn’t come to Felix room to apologize or to talk. She actually starts to avoid him and that hurts like hell. Suddenly the family doesn’t sit at dinner or breakfast together anymore; neither Rachel knocks at his door to check if Felix is sleeping at night.

“I know it’s my fault,” Felix says. The wind's so strong that Darel almost doesn't hear him. “Grandma tries so hard to make Rachel have dinner with us, but she always says that she’s too busy studying to get into college.”    

“Felix, is not—”    

“It is,” he cuts and smiles sadly to Darel. “It is my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. I should've left all like it was.”   

“You can’t do that, you silly,” the older boy caresses Felix’s hand with his thumb. “You have the right to be happy with the person you love. It doesn’t matter the gender, Felix. _You deserve to be happy_.”    

Felix rests his head in Darel’s shoulder, who doesn’t hesitate in put his arm around the younger’s frame. They stay like that for a couple of minutes, just looking at the waves as they break into the coast. Felix lets out a sigh when Darel kisses his head. Shit, he wishes he could be like this forever. Everything will be easier.

 

**[Now]**

The knock in the door startles him.

“Felix-ssi, are you there?”  

Felix freezes in his place when Minho’s voice calls for him through the door. He’s not sure why the older is looking for him, but goes and opens the door anyway. “Minho-hyung”  

“Why did you leave the store?” Minho is direct. “Chan was worried about you. We were worried.”  

_We._

“I though it wouldn't be polite to interrupt—you all were having a private moment and—”  

“Can we talk inside?”  

Felix lets him in and closes the door behind them, shivering a bit at the contact with the cold wind. His hands flies almost immediately to his neck, pressing slightly where hi vein is, feeling the raise on his pulse. Minho doesn’t ask him permission as he sits in Seungmin’s bed, waiting patiently for Felix to sit on his— _Changbin’s_  bed.   

"I know I'm not the best option for you to talk about this, but—" Minho says as he rubs his neck. "The boys always say that I'm a good listener. And I now something is bothering you, so—if you want to talk about something, go ahead. I’ll listen."  

Felix looks at the other boy, not sure about what he should say. The thought that probably Jisung send Minho to talk to him won't leave his mind. No, not probably. Felix is  _sure_  that Jisung sent Minho here to talk to him.  

“Minho-hyung,” he calls. “Why do you hate me?”  

Minho looks away, a pink tone spreading through his cheeks. “I don’t hate _you_. It’s just that—ah, fuck.”   

Felix feels guilty when Minho throws himself back in the bed and covers his face with both hands. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. Felix’s going to leave soon so it doesn’t matter if Minho hates him or not. He should’ve said that it’s all fine and make Minho go away.    

“I’ve been in love with Jisung for almost two years now,” Minho mumbles behind his hands. “You probably knew that already because everyone knows about it. Shit, even Jisung knows about it.”  

“But then... then why you didn’t—?”  

“I can’t be with him. I can’t even put my shit together sometimes, how am I going to take care of him if I’m—I’m a fucking mess,” he uncovers his face. “Jisung deserves someone better. He deserves someone that can be there for him in every situation, no matter what. And I’m not that someone.”  

“Hyung,” Felix smiles softly. “I know that feeling. I—I know how it is to feel like you aren't worth enough for that person's love,” he explains. “But I also know that you can’t control the other person’s feelings. Jisung-ah likes you. I’m actually pretty sure he’s in love with you. And he would be more than happy if he could hold your hand. Plus,” Felix gives a shy smile. “Tomorrow is his birthday; wouldn’t it be the best gift for him if you confess your love?”    

“But how am I—” there’s a knock in the door. Minho cuts his own words, smiling warmly. “That must be Jisung.”  

“Go with him, hyung,” Felix whispers. “Tell him I’m sleeping or something and go spend some time with him. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine.”  

But is not Jisung who’s behind the door. Changbin peeps in the door frame instead, asking Minho to leave so he can have some rest. The older complains at that because  _why Felix can stay and I don’t_  but Changbin shush him with the excuse that that  _is_  Felix’s room too.   

“Jisung said that he was worry that Minho would eat you alive or something,” Changbin laughs. “So I came here to save you.”   

“Oh,” Felix blushes slightly. “I’m fine, I promise.”

“I can tell, yeah,” Changbin offers his hand to the younger. “Want to go out?”

“Aren’t you going to sleep, hyung?”   

“Nah, I sleep a lot already,” he claps. “I thought it would be nice to go for a walk. Want to join me?”   

 

**[Then]**

Darel is not there.

Neither is Olivia, or Jaeyong.

Felix feels lost. Like, somehow, he doesn’t belong in there. Like, somehow, he shouldn’t be there. Standing next to him is Rachel, a white rose in her hands and tears gathering in her eyes. She’s all grown now, looking so much mature since the last time Felix saw her.

Felix drifts his attention to the sky. It's clear and blue, not a single cloud around. He wants to smile at that, his grandma used to love that kind of days. But he can't seem to find the strenght to do it, not when it feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. Not when the simple thought that he won’t be able to look at her anymore kills him.

Not a single smile.

Not the way her eyes lightened when something makes her happy.

Not the pouts she used to do when something kept her too concentrated.

There’s nothing left.

_It's all gone now._

He looks around. There are a few neighbors and a few persons of his family, but not much. He's kind of angry at that; his grandma was one of the best person that anyone could met but there are only a few persons that came to say goodbye to her.

Felix wishes that Darel would be here for him, and not abroad where he's studying now. But that’s not the older boy fault, nor his. He keeps telling that to himself, trying to believe it. 

-

They take a cab once the burial ends. The house feels so empty and Felix has to rub his eyes to send the tears away. He feels just so tired, so _done_ with everything. Felix looks at his sister, who looks a little lost at the unfamiliar space.

Since Rachel and Olivia moved out to Korea with their father almost two years ago, Felix and his grandma looked for a smaller house where the two of them could live comfy. Rachel never came to see their new home. Not that it matters now, since their grandma’s gone and Felix’s going to left this place too.

“Don’t forget anything,” Rachel says from the door frame. “You can’t come back from Korea to search it later.”

Felix looks at her. His big sister. The one that comforted him every time he cried for his mom. The one that would take him and Olivia to the park, no matter how early in the morning was. The one that stayed awake every time Felix had a nightmare. The more he looks at her, the more he realizes that it's all gone now. They look like strangers.

Felix rubs his eyes, feeling like the lack of sleep is going to make him pass out any minute now. Rachel didn't sleep either; she got to the country last night and went directly to the hospital to sing the papers. But Felix has been awake the last four days, just getting a poor few hours of sleep whenever his grandma could sleep peacefully due the painkillers.

"C'mon, let's go. The cab is waiting for us."

Felix gulps, adjusting his backpack in his back. “Ray-Ray—“

“Don’t,” she lifts her hand to cut him off. “I’m happy to see you again, Felix. I really am. I missed you a lot. But let’s no go there. I just came here because I don’t want our father to find out that you—that you’re… _that_.”

Felix doesn’t say anything, ducking his head as he heads out of the room. Rachel is right, is better if he doesn’t mention the topic. Maybe it would go away, someday. Maybe he could be normal, someday.

 

**[Now]**

Felix is regretting his life's chooses.

Why did he agree to go for a walk with Changbin? He’s freezing his brain —not to say another part of his body— out. It’s not snowing like last night, but the wind is cold and sharp and his feet are completely wet due the virgin snow they are walking on. 

“We’re almost there,” Changbin smiles excited. “I’ve missed this place a lot. You’re going to love it.” 

They keep walking in silence for a couple of minutes, until Changbin stops and turns to Felix, smiling wide and gesturing with both hands towards the frozen lake behind him. The older looks like a kid with a new toy.

Felix doesn't have the heart to tell him that Jisung brought him here about two weeks ago. 

“I used to come here all the time,” Changbin says as they walk towards a bench. “I don’t really like spring or summer, but this place is _magic_ on those seasons.” 

“I bet in autumn it looks better.” Felix says, reminding how Hyunjin told him that Changbin likes autumn more than any other season.

“Well, I can’t argue with that. In autumn everything looks better.” 

The dark-haired boy looks so immersed in the landscape in front of him that Felix looks at him without fear of being caught. Changbin doesn’t have the natural beauty that Minho or Hyunjin has, or the baby-boy-look-alike that Seungmin and Jeongin often give off. He doesn’t look like the cute type that Jisung and Chan are either and he's not like Woojin, who always looks handsome, no matter what. Changbin's different, yet so beautiful that Felix can't seem to tear his eyes away from him. 

“I brought you all the way here and you’re not even looking at the landscape, Felix-ah” 

Felix feels the heat climbing his cheeks furiously. “I’m—I’m not… I’m sorry” 

“You told me that Hyunjin talked about me,” Changbin says, turning to look at him. He looks shy and something tights in Felix’s stomach. “What did he said?”

“Not much,” Felix gulps, looking at his feet as his cheeks still burn from the embarrassment of being caught. “That he missed you, a lot. And that you never left for so long," he does a small pause, hesitating. "And that you left due—um…, because of the feelings.”

Changbin takes a deep breath, before smiling shortly. “That idiot... I missed him too.” 

Felix nods awkwardly, not sure about what he should say. He wants to ask so many questions. Did Changbin leave because he had feelings toward someone? Feelings towards Hyunjin, maybe. Or did something happen between the both of them? Or perhaps nothing happened and _that was the reason_ , Felix thinks. Maybe Hyunjin didn't reciprocate Changbin feelings and that’s why he left. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

Felix shots a look at the other and Changbin smiles at him. “Nothing, I’m not thinking in anything.” 

“Felix-ah,” Changbin hums. “Don’t be shy, you can ask me anything. I’m not going to answer if I don’t want to, it’s simple.” 

Felix plays nervously with his hands, too shy to even look at Changbin.  “I don’t know,” he confesses. “I don’t want to ask something too personal.” 

“Then let’s do something, okay?” Changbin shifts his position, sitting in a way that he’s looking directly at Felix. “Let’s play that twenty questions shit. If you don’t want to answer something, just pass it and that's it.” 

“Okay, I guess that’s—that’s okay,” Felix nods. “Can you… go first?” 

Changbin makes a thoughtful gesture. “This is probably personal so if you don’t want to answer, don’t do it, okay?” The younger boy nods. “Who is Donghyuck? You mumbled his name when you were sleeping this morning.” 

Felix covers his face with both hands when he feels his cheeks getting warm again. Next to him, Changbin laughs and pats his back. “He is—he is a friend of mine,” Felix says without moving his hands off of his face. “A really close—um, friend”

“Interesting,” he hums. “Your turn” 

“I—I don’t know. I suck at this game. What’s—” he thinks. “What’s your favorite color?” 

Changbin laughs loud and that steals a smile from Felix himself. The older boy moves a little bit closer, unconsciously looking for the warmth of the younger’s body, who doesn’t complain, moving a few centimeters closer too. Felix suppresses a smile when Changbin leans his head on his shoulder. 

“It’s red, by the way,” he mumbles. “My favorite color is red.” 

 

**[Then]**

It’s hard for Felix to get used to Korea. It’s all new. The language, the traditions, the food. Even the fucking weather. All it’s different and he  _doesn’t like it_. But Felix works hard, anyways, taking Korean lessons during the whole winter (because _yes_ , while in Australia is still summer, Korea seems to be going through some kind of new Ice Age). 

Olivia and Jaeyong help him a lot, though. Olivia, specially. She must understand what if feels like to start in new school without even speaking the country's language, so she spent entire nights next to Felix on his desk, helping with the pronunciation and the new words.

His younger sister is a beautiful twelve years old girl by now, and Jaeyong is close to turn nine years old. They have grown up a lot in two years, both physically and as persons, and Felix's really proud of them.

“You’re going to love our school,” Jaeyong says excitedly. “We have this big soccer field, and there’s a big playground. And the cafeteria is pretty nice, too. But no the food, it’s gross. And—oh, and we have a basketball court too!” 

The three of them are waiting for the school bus. It’s late August and the first signs of autumn are appearing. Felix's nervous and can't stop the trembling in his hands as he clenches them around the straps of his backpack. 

“Felix not coming with us, Jaeyong-ssi,” Olivia rolls her eyes. “He’s in high school. We’re in elementary school.” 

“Oh, so he’s going to be with Nana-hyung!” 

“Nana-hyung?  Who is Nana?” 

“Na Jaemin,” Olivia smiles at him “He’s our neighbor.” 

“He’s pretty cool,” Jaeyong nods. “He’s tall and has brown hair. Maybe you can find him.” 

Felix smiles and ruffs his brother’s hair. “Yeah, I’ll look for him.” 

Olivia and Jaeyong get off of the bus before him and Felix starts to feel anxious again. He knows that he’s not going to be the only new kid, but probably he's going to be the only one that’s a foreign new student. Besides, Felix was never good at social situations. Even with Darel he was a mess in the beginning. 

Felix takes a deep breath before heading to the front door of the school building, trying not to look too nervous. There are groups of friends in every direction he looks, laughing and chatting, and he feels knot in his stomach because he used to be like that with Darel. Even if they didn’t share any classes because the older boy was a year ahead of Felix, they used to spend every break together. Now he’s all alone, in a new school and in a new country. 

 

**[Now]**

Felix shifts his position, feeling uncomfortable. In front of him, sitting in Jeongin’s bed is Jisung, his gaze almost burning a hole into Felix’s face. "I give up," he says with a sigh. "Can you please, _please_ tell me?"

"I don't know what you want me to say," he says after clearing his throat.

Jisung gives him that look and Felix shifts his position again. "We've been friends for a whole month so I _know_ when you're lying. Don't try to hide it, tell me."

"Hyung, I swear I don't know what you are—"

"You called me _hyung_! You never do that!"

"—talking about. _Oh_ ," Felix blushes and looks away. "I didn't."

"C'mon, tell me. Please," he begs. "Please, please, please."

Felix sighs. "Minho-hyung wasn't harsh with me. We just... talk. Like adults."

"Yeah, _sure_ ," Jisung rolls his eyes. "I don't believe you."

"I'm telling you the truth!"

"No, you're not!"

"He said he likes you, okay?" Felix blurts then, his cheeks red (he doesn't even know why). "I asked him why he hated me and he said that it's not hate. Then he implied that he was jealous because... you know."

The first thing that comes to Felix's mind when Jisung emits a whimper and falls into the bed, with his cheeks red and his hands over his mouth, it's that he broke the older boy. But then, when Jisung gives him the brightest smile he has ever seen, it feels like a wave of relief wash over him.

"He really said that?" Jisung asks, unable to hide his excitement.

Felix nods, a smile spreading through his own lips. "But it was supposed to be a secret; you can’t tell him that I told you about this,” he points his finger to Jisung. “Promise me”

Jisung nods and take three deep breathes before stumbling his way to Felix to hug him. The younger is startled for a second but ends up hugging Jisung back. They stay like that for a moment, before settle in bed under the sheets and look for something to watch on the TV.

 

**[Then]**

Na Jaemin is for sure…  _something_. But Felix likes him and they get along pretty quickly. Olivia is the one that ends up introducing them one afternoon in the school bus, before leaving to sit with her friends. It felt awkward at the beginning, but then the two of them were immersed in a conversation about what it was like to live in Australia. 

Jaemin and he share three classes —PE, mathematics and Korean language— and the breaks too. Even though Jaemin has his own group of friends, he never leaves Felix side at school or in the bus, always making sure that the Australian is comfortable. Felix feels a bit bad at that because he’s somehow stealing Jaemin from his friends, but it’s nice not to be alone.

Felix learns a lot about him in a short time, since Jaemin is a talker—but he really likes to listen to him. He was born in Jeonju but grown up in Seoul, and he's an only child. Jaemin really likes autumn but he prefers when the weather is warm and sunny (Felix doesn't get it). He loves to dance, and the coffee (like, _a lot_ ) _._ People usually call him Nana, and it doesn't take more than five minutes after meeting him to fall for his charm.

“It’s my thing, you know?” Jaemin says one day as they walk to home, Olivia and Jaeyong pushing each other a few steps in front of them. “I just smile and people fall for it.”

Felix snorts. “I think those girls at school are blowing up your ego too much.”

“Jealous, Felix-ssi?” he hums, tossing his arm around Felix’s shoulders and bringing him closer.

“Yeah,” The Australian say sarcastically as he rolls his eyes. “ _A lot_ ”

Three weeks later, Felix is officially introducing to Jaemin's closest group of friends. They’re a small group—just three boys. And they're pretty cool kids, Felix thinks. None of them seems to dislike him, so its fine, Felix's _can_ do this. 

The first one that he meets it's Lee Jeno. Felix has seen him before, but they didn't exchange anything apart from short greetings when Jaemin is around. Felix's first impression of him it's that Jeno has the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. They have their own shine, always looking like little sparkles.

Felix's second thought is that he _gets_ why he's friend with Jaemin. You just need to look at them and the way their smiles appear when they spot the other. Jaemin looks more like himself around Jeno and Felix can't stop thinking about how much their relationship looks alike to the one that Darel and he once had.

Then, the next day, Lee Donghyuck’s turn comes. Felix can’t find the words to describe him, just staying paralyzed when he sees him. Jeno and Jaemin, on the other hand, don’t waste any time to hug the brunette boy and shower him with kisses on the cheeks—later that day, Felix founds out that the younger was sick for almost a week and they weren’t able to see each other.

Donghyuck is… like magic. Felix thinks that’s the best way to describe him. He’s beautiful—all of them are beautiful, but he has this _something_ that makes Felix’s heart flutter. His personality is really sweet around Jaemin and Jeno, and it looks like he _loves_ the attention the taller boys give to him.

Felix wishes he can be part of their dynamic soon.

**[Now]**

Jisung starts crying 11:58 pm when he sees everyone excitedly waiting for his birthday, so the group ends up hugging him two minutes early and they stay like that until the clock hits 00. It’s a mess but Felix likes it. He feels warm, his body trapped between Changbin's back and Woojin’s chest. 

“Happy birthday, Sungie,” sings Jeongin, lifting a bottle of soju in his hand. “Let's get wasted in honor of the birthday boy!”

“Yang Jeongin,” Woojin calls. “You’re too young for drinking!”

“But, _hyung_ ”

They get wasted anyways, since Jeongin always know how to get what he wants using that face. Felix can't remember is he ever got this drunk before, but that doesn't stop him from gulp another sip of soju. His face scrunches at that and Changbin laughs loud next to him.

At some point of the night, they improvise some kind of karaoke in groups of three. Felix gets paired with Seungmin and Jisung and it’s a _fucking mess_ , but they laugh so hard that Felix’s stomach ends up hurting.

When Minho, Woojin and Changbin's turn comes, Felix realizes how good he feels right now. He puts down the bottle with a happy grin planted on his face, and just looks at all of them. It’s an amazing feeling, how full his heart feels right now just because he’s seeing them laughing and having fun. How happy it makes him to see his family full of joy.

But then the realization hits him hard.

This is a family. A little broken, a little patched, but a family in the end. It’s just that’s not Felix’s. It’s not _his_. They gave him a warm bed and food and a roof upon his head without even hesitate. And they gave him beautiful moments and memorable friendships, but they’re not his.  Felix’s going to go anytime now, he’s going to disappear soon and they— _this_ would become remarkable memories, just like everything else.

Felix lets out a shaky breath, stumbling as he gets up from the floor and walks to the door. He hears Chan asking if he’s okay, but the words don’t seem to come out of his mouth. He wants to throw up.

There’s a hand patting his back when he leans his weight, emptying the contents of his stomach in the floor. "Easy there, try to breathe a little."

Felix nods and opens his mouth to answer that he’s fine but the nauseas are there again and he can’t say a single word before barfing again. Hyunjin doesn’t leave his side, though; he just keeps caressing Felix's back until he's done.

"What happened?" Seungmin's voice sounds in Felix's ears. "Is he okay?"

"It's okay, don't worry," Hyunjin says. "Get in, love. I'm taking him to his room and then I’ll be joining you."

The word _love_ keeps echoing in his brain. Felix wants to smile.

Hyunjin takes him to his room and makes him lay down after drinking almost a whole bottle of water. Felix feels better, a little less drunk but a little more hungry. The older ruffs his blonde hair with a smile, asking him to call if he needs anything. He nods and wishes him goodnight, mumbling a shy thank you before Hyunjin leaves the room.

He falls asleep with the sound of the music in the next room.

 

**[Then]**

“I fucking hate math,” Jaemin groans. “Why we can’t only have sports at school? It would be awesome.” 

They’re lying down around Jaemin’s room on a late summer night, almost half of year later. It’s hot outside but they have the window open anyway. Next to him is Jeno, lying flat in his stomach and playing with some of the strands of Felix’s hair. He thinks that he’s going to fall asleep if the blonde keeps doing that. 

 “That’s because you suck at everything  _but_  sports,” Donghyuck says from the desk. “I’m thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?" 

“Oh, hell no. You aren’t going anywhere near the kitchen,” Jeno says as he stands up. Felix whimpers as the missing contact in his hair. “ _I’m_ going to get us drinks." 

“Why?” He sounds offended.

“Excuse me?” Jaemin interrupts then. “Did you forget about that time when you mixed fucking soy sauce on our drinks?” 

Donghyuck burst in laughs. “I put soy sauce into the glasses with coke," he explains to Felix. "And salt into the sprite ones. That was hilarious.” 

“No, it wasn’t!” Jeno says from the kitchen. “The taste didn’t leave my mouth for the whole night.” 

When Jeno returns to the bedroom, Donghyuck goes to Felix’s side and let him lay his head in his lap. Felix doesn’t complain; he has always like when people play with his hair even though he’s not a fan of the physical contact. It's all Darel's fault, he remembers, because he was the one who started it. 

"I say that we should call it a night with this whole school thing and watch some lame horror movie." 

"Nana," Jeno rolls his eyes. "We didn't do anything. Like, literally  _anything_." 

"Let's call it a night, I said." 

They end up squeezing in Jaemin’s bed. Felix feels a bit out of place with all the skins brushing against each other, but that’s okay. It always ends up being comfortable around them, no matter the situation. It just feels natural, and Felix likes it. He likes _them._

He likes Jaemin and the way the brunette is always around everyone, being cheerful and a dork. And he loves the way Jeno pretends to be all cold and serious, but it’s actually more like a puppy. And Felix also loves how Donghyuck likes to have long talks about music, or how he doesn’t mind to stay up all night with him just to play videogames. 

They stay up until it’s past two in the morning and Felix feels like his eyes can’t be open anymore. The four of them doesn’t even bother in look for the other mattress, stacking on the bed in groups of two. Jaemin and Jeno are the first ones in fall asleep, their soft snores filling the air of the room. 

“You looked tired before,” Donghyuck whispers, leaning closer to Felix. “Can’t sleep now?” 

“I’m just—thinking about stuff. Just that” 

“Want me to stroke your hair to sleep?”

_There’s something special about Donghyuck._

Felix smiles at him. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

**[Now]**

A month into Changbin’s back, Chan proposes to go to the city and have a big dinner for _celebration reasons_ , as he called it. None of them complains about that, it’s nice to have something else besides instant ramen. So the nine of them climb into the old van around six in the afternoon and get going. 

“I’m going to eat my weight in food,” Jisung says from Minho’s lap, where he’s sitting. “So I hope you bring money, Chan-hyung, because you said it’s _your_ treat tonight." 

Chan laughs from his place behind the steering wheel. “I know, I know. Don’t worry about it.” 

Felix smiles softly, concentrated in listening to all of them talk. He’s sitting between Minho and Hyunjin, carrying Seungmin in his lap. Jeongin is in the front sit, next to Woojin, and Changbin is sitting on Hyunjin’s lap. Felix thinks that they’re probably going to be a big sweat mess when summer comes if they keep squeezing next to each other like that. 

 _Why are you even thinking of that_ , a voice in his head says.  _You’ll leave before summer, you shouldn’t worry about that_. 

Jisung is the first one in leave the van when they arrived to the restaurant, almost making Minho fall face-to-the-ground. Fortunately, Felix was always good with his reflexes and catches him before anything happens. Minho smiles at him in a thankful way, before stepping out of the vehicle and walking towards Jisung to head-lock him. 

Only when Seungmin follows them, laughing at Jisung who tries to run away from Minho, Felix notices that next to him there're no movements. He turns his face to find out that Changbin and Hyunjin are sleeping, Changbin's head almost falling into Felix's own shoulder. Hyunjin's hugging him tightly around the waist, his hands resting in Changbin's stomach. They look comfortable around each other, happy, and Felix can't stop thinking _what the hell happened_ between them and why the older boy left. 

“It’s kind of creepy to stare at people when they are sleeping, you know.” 

Felix flushes and turns to look at Jeongin. “I wasn’t staring, I was—I wanted to wake them up,” he stutters. “I—I wasn’t staring.” 

“I know it looks weird, hyung,” he smiles at Felix. “I’ve known Hyunjin for more than six years and I still don’t know what’s going on in his mind sometimes. I wish I could, though,” the younger boy sighs. “They’re really good friends. But that’s it, so don’t worry.” 

“I don’t—” 

But Jeongin winks at him and slams the door on purpose, making the boys next to him to jerk awake in surprise. "Where...?" Hyunjin rubs his eyes, sleepy. "Where's everyone?" 

"Are we here already?" 

Felix nods, looking at anywhere but them. "Everyone is already inside, so we should—um, we should go too." 

“Get off, I can’t feel my legs.” Hyunjin complains, pushing Changbin off of his lap. The older groans and falls half into the seat and half into Felix’s lap, letting all his weight into the warm of the younger’s body. "I'm leaving him to you, 'm too tired for this." 

Felix panics for a second when Hyunjin stumbles out of the van and heads to the restaurant, still rubbing his right eye and leaving him _alone_ with the older. Changbin shifts next to him, wrapping himself around Felix's body, what caught his attention again. “Um… Changbin-hyung?” 

“Hm” 

“We should go with—” 

“How can you be so warm when it’s fucking freezing outside?” Changbin says with a frown, still without opening his eyes. “It’s so unfair.” 

"Hyung," he clears his throat. "Everyone is waiting for us, we should get going too." 

Changbin looks up at him from Felix's chest and pouts — _oh my god, he's really pouting_ —. "I was so comfortable, why are you so mean?" He sighs, resigned. "Fine then, let's go." 

 

**[Then]**

“Felix-hyung,” Jaeyong calls, leaning against the door frame. “Mom sent me to tell you that Donghyuck-hyung is here.”

“Oh,” Felix smiles at his brother. “I’ll come down in a minute, thank you.”

Autumn is around the corner and the weather starts to get a little chill. Felix likes it, though. Even if he lived in Australia for so long, the heat was never one of his favorite things. On the other hand, Donghyuck looks like he's about to freeze out and the taller boy can't contain his grin at the continuous shivers that run through the other's body.

“You’re enjoying this, aren't you?” He hits Felix’s arm. “I fucking hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Felix hums playful. "Want me to hug you? My jacket is big enough for both of us.”

Donghyuck nods shortly before leaning his weight into Felix's side, gripping his arm as they walk. Felix always thinks how strange it is to be around someone like Donghyuck, someone that sneaked under his skin so easily.

Felix looks at the other boy, how his cheeks look red for the cold and how his hair is a mess because of the wind. He can't avoid comparing him with Darel most of the time, because they are completely different yet they make Felix feel similar things.

Where Darel it's tall and muscular, Donghyuck is short and soft. And where the older is always quiet, Donghyuck is loud at everything. Yet, both of them make his heart beat rise with a single look.

But Felix always ends up with the same conclusion: even if he loved being hug by Darel and the way the other always took care of him, Felix likes the feeling that gives him to hug a smaller body. He likes the way it makes him feel like, somehow, he can protect the other person for everything that's bad in the world.

It’s not that Donghyuck’s much shorter than him, though. They’re just two centimeters or so of difference, but the brunette somehow looks smaller than Felix. And he loves to tease the other for that.

“I really don’t get how you can space out so much,” Donghyuck complains. “What are you even thinking about?”

Felix blushes. “Nothing in particular,” he clears his throat. “Nana and Jeno are waiting for us at the park already?”

“Yeah,” he confirms with a short nod. "They got there like five minutes ago."

They’re about to get to the park when Felix gathers the enough courage to intertwine his fingers with Donghyuck’s, which are completely cold. The brunette gives him a shy smile, not saying a single word when Felix kisses his knuckles one by one, before he lets go of his hand.

Yeah, there’s something _different_ about Donghyuck.

**[Now]**

The restaurant is a really nice place. The walls are painting in red tones with golden details on them and above the tables, hanging in the ceiling, are big round lamps that gave the place some kind of familiar atmosphere. Felix likes it. 

They have to push a table next to the other to sit all together. Felix ends up squeezed in between a too-happy-to-be-out Jisung and a still sleepy Hyunjin, who waste no time in lean his head into Felix’s shoulder to keep half sleeping. 

“You can order anything you want, don’t worry about the price,” Chan smiles at all of them. 

It doesn’t take much for them to make a mess. The conversation flouts around the table in between groups but Felix just looks. He looks at each of them, studying and trying to get every memory he can. 

Hyunjin and the way he complains because he's tired, but how his smile never leaves his face. And the way he always talks about the rest of them, how he always refers to them as his family, his _whole world._ And the way he looks at Seungmin when the younger talks, his eyes getting even softer when Jeongin is the one in his sight. 

Minho and how he looks at Jisung like he's the most precious thing in the world, and how he uses every little excuse he has to give even the smallest touch to the orange haired boy. And how he is not afraid of showing his emotions or how he cares about the people he loves. 

And Jisung with his beautiful smile and his warm personality. Felix loves him with his whole heart, he considers Jisung as his brother. The thought that he's the one that Felix's going to miss the most doesn't leave his mind, burning a hole in his chest. 

And then there's Seungmin, who Felix's going to be grateful for his life. Grateful for all the long nights talking about anything in particular, for all the silly games that they played in their room, for always being there for Felix in his own way. 

Felix feels like he's going to cry then, when he looks at Jeongin. Because the younger is looking at him, a worried expression in his face. Felix smiles and ensures him that everything is fine with his thumb up. This is Jeongin, the most beautiful soul in the world, too conscious of everything but too oblivious at the same time. 

He hasn’t known Changbin for too long but somehow he already fell for the older boy. It’s somehow impossible not to fall for Changbin —as Hyunjin told him one time— who always looks like a tough guy but he constantly looks for someone to cuddle him. And it's somehow impossible not to fall for the way he’s so transparent that you can see through him without a problem, see how broke he is; and feel the necessity to fix him, to keep him safe. 

Woojin has the prettiest smile Felix has ever seen in his life. It’s warm and makes you feel like you’re in home.  He thinks that Woojin reminds him of his grandma, always there for Felix but always giving him the space he needs. 

Felix’s chest hurts when he spots the soft smile Chan is giving in his direction. He lets out a shaky breath and smiles back, trying to let him know that everything is fine. Felix really hopes that Chan can have a happy life, because he’s the best person he has ever know and deserve all the good things in life. Felix’s going to be grateful for life with the older: for letting him live in the motel, for taking him under his wing, for letting him stay and be a part of his family, even if it wasn’t mean to be forever.  

 _It’s warm_ , Felix thinks at some point of the night. It feels warm inside of his chest and that's freaking him out. It’s been almost two months since he arrived to the motel. Almost two months since he has had a new family, new friends and people who care about him. But he needs to let it all go now. Because it’s too risky for him to stay. It’s too risky for Felix’s to grow even closer to this people. Because, at some point, they’re going to end up getting tired of him like everyone else.

 _It’s better this way_ , he reminds, it’s better if he’s the one that leaves first.  

“I’m going to get some fresh air,” he says when they’re waiting for the dessert. “It’s too stuffy in here.” 

“Are you feeling alright?” Woojin asks. “Do you want me to go with you?” 

“No, hyung, don’t worry. It’s fine,” Felix gives him the realistic smile he's able to put on his face. “I’ll come back soon, don’t worry.” 

His chest hurts with the lie.

He knows he’s not going to. 

 

**[Then]**

Felix gets his first kiss in the Halloween after turning seventeen. It’s messy and it’s uncoordinated, and shy and nervous, but he likes it. He likes it a _lot_. At first, Felix's not sure where he should put his hands or  _how the hell_  you kiss someone back, but he manages to catch up after a few seconds. 

It’s Donghyuck first kiss, too. That’s why they’re doing it in first place, hiding in the backyard of the younger boy’s house. That and the fact that Jaemin and Jeno already gave their first kisses and neither of them want to be left behind. 

"This is not going to change anything, right?" Felix had asked before.

"Felix-ssi," Donghyuck hummed in response. "It's just a friendly kiss, so when we get ourselves two hot boyfriends, we're going to know how to kiss them."

Donghyuck is the only who knows about Felix’s sexual orientation. He wasn't planning to tell anyone since he shouldn't mention the topic, but the younger boy come out to him because he thought that, as Felix was coming from another country, he would be more understanding. Felix didn’t think before blurt out a “me too” when a red cheeked Donghyuck mumbled that he was gay.

It’s nothing personal. Felix still considers Jaemin as his closest friend here, and he trusts the other boy with his life. But Felix is afraid, too. He’s afraid of the rejection, afraid of the mockery, afraid of the news spreading through the whole school. The same thing happens with Jeno.

Donghyuck feels the same way. They had talked about it and decided that the best it's to tell the boys, at some point, together.

"You're shaking," Donghyuck murmurs against his mouth. "Are you nervous?"

Felix nods, his hands pulling the smaller body a little closer to him. "Yes, I—don't—I don't even know is my hands are in a right place."

"Baby, there's no right place to put them" the brunette laughs breathless, caressing his cheek. "Felix-ssi, it's just me. Don't be nervous. Let's just—let’s just let it flow."

Felix obeys him, leaning a little to kiss Donghyuck again. They end up in some sort of make-out-session, pulling apart only when the ring of the younger boy’s house sounds.

“Those must be Jaemin and Jeno,” Felix says as he presses his forehead to Donghyuck’s. He feels breathless but in a good way. “We should go.”

“Yeah,” he says, pecking a little Felix’s lips before putting a bit of distance between them. “Yeah, we should—we—”

“Are you okay, Donghyuck-ssi?” Felix asks, concerned. The shorter boy looks up at him, his cheeks looking red even if it’s dark. “What is the matter? Are you regretting this?”

Donghyuck gulps loudly and shakes his head. “I—I like you.”

_What?_

“Guys,” Jeno’s voice calls. “Are you outside?”

“Donghyuck, I—I—”

“We are at the backyard,” the smile Donghyuck gives to Felix breaks him inside.

 

**[Now]**

“You’re going to run away.” 

Felix startles at the sound of the voice. He doesn't need to turn around to know that it’s Changbin who followed him. "And what’s the matter about it?" 

"Nothing," Changbin walks calmly until he's next to the taller one. "Let's go for a walk?" 

"It's freezing in here. You—you should go back with the others and—" 

"Let's go to the van, then," the dark-haired pat Felix’s back. "I have the keys, c'mon." 

Felix follows him, because you can’t say no to a person as stubborn as Changbin. He learned that. The older is the first one to climb in the back seats, Felix following him and closing the door slowly, like somehow he’s trying to gain some time. The van is cold as hell, too, but it’s better than staying outside with the strong wind. 

“So... where are you planning to go?” 

Felix gulps and looks away. “I don’t know.” 

“Why are you leaving, then?” 

“I don’t know either,” he sighs, feeling irritating. “I just—I can’t stay—it’s going to be a problem at some point.” 

Changbin shifts his position, stretching his legs on Felix’s lap without even asking. “What’s your story, Felix-ssi?” 

Felix remains in silence. He doesn’t like to talk about this. There’s nothing interesting in him nor is story. “Why do you want to know, hyung?” 

“Because I want to know you better” 

It feels strange. Felix never stops to thought about his story in general. There were only moments to him, only remarkable memories that usually come to his mind. His mom, Olivia's first word, Rachel's smile, the feeling when his father never came back home, the first day in grandma's house, his first outstanding on an exam, the day he met Jaeyong, his first kiss with Donghyuck (and almost every memory with him in general), Darel and how it hurt when he left, Jaemin and how good it felt to be with him, Jeno and his contagious smile. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. They’re only memories. 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Okay, then,” Changbin rolls his eyes. “I never met my mom because she didn’t want a child at the moment, but my father wanted me so he paid her through the pregnancy to keep me and give birth to me. Like I was some kind of… thing, you know?” 

"I—hyung, you don't have to talk about this." 

"I have an older step sister, but we don't really... like each other."                             

“Hyung,” Felix insists.  

“I ran away from home when I was fourteen for the first time,” he mumbles. Felix shivers at how dark Changbin looks right now. “My father got a new wife when I was five. When I was nine, he started drinking and beating her up. I couldn’t stand it, but I didn’t say anything either.” 

“Changbin-hyung,” Felix mumbles, leaning to cup Changbin’s face. “You don’t have to talk about this.” 

“I want to,” he says. “I want to know you, and I want you to stay,” he confesses, leaning closer to the younger until they foreheads are pressed together. “And I don’t mind if I have to tell you my whole story to make you do that.” 

“Okay,” Felix whispers after a moment. “Okay” 

Changbin nods and sighs deeply before continuing; “My father sent his wife to the hospital when I was seventeen. I was living in the motel already, and I left when I heard the news. Never told any of the boys what I was planning, I just… kind of disappeared one day,” he says. “She was the only mother I’ve ever knew and it killed me to see her in that bed, covered in bruises and cuts. I couldn’t stand it, so I went to my old house and started a fight with my father. He sent me to the hospital too. I got out a few days later with a few cuts and a broken arm. My step-mother got out a few months after that, in a wheel chair,” a shiver runs down Felix's spine. “That was the second time I got into a fight with him. And the second time he sent me to the hospital, with a contusion this time.” 

"That's why you run away for two months?” Felix can’t help to ask. “For your mom?" 

Changbin shakes his head. "She passed away last winter. She was sick." 

"Hyung, I'm—I’m so sorry. I didn't know." 

"It's okay," he nods with a sad smile. "I ran away this time because my father is sick, too. He's in the hospital and they needed someone blood-related with him to sign the papers of the internment. My step sister is in America so she wasn't an option." 

"Is he...?" 

"Dead?" Changbin laughs bitterly and shakes his head. "No. He's not. But he's never leaving the hospital again." 

"Hyung," Felix calls after a short silence. "What about the bruises—when you come back, you had those red marks on your wrist," he continues, tracing with his fingers the area. "And a bruise in your cheek," he mumbles, caressing the place too.  

"I got pretty drunk and end up in a fight at some bar," he says, shrugging slightly. "Pretty stupid of me, _I know_. I tried to wait until it heal, but I really wanted to come back home." 

 _Home_  

“Does…?” he clears his throat. “Any of the boys knows about this? All of this?” 

“Of course they know. I always sucked on hiding things, especially to Hyunjin.” 

Felix lets out a breathy sigh, debating to himself if he should or not ask the next question. “Hyung, about Hyunjin—” 

“We’re not dating, if that’s what you’re going to ask,” Changbin answer first. “I’m not denying that we had our—” he makes a gesture with his hand. “ _Past_. He was my first everything, you know?” he nods. “But Hyunjin is like a brother to me, all what happened between the both of us is history now. He's my best friend and the only person who never hesitated in standing up for me before, I own him a lot,” Changbin shrugs with a smile. “And he’s kind of dating Seungmin  _and_ Jeongin right now, and I’m happy for them, but the polyamorous relationships aren’t really my thing.” 

“ _Oh_ ” 

“Yup, so,” he lift an eyebrow. “What about you? Why did you run way?” 

“I just—I don’t know.” He looks away, feeling shy. “I feel like there was like—like a missing piece that I need to find. And I—I didn’t _fit_ in there. They’re better without me.” 

Changbin smirks at him, cupping Felix’s cheeks with both hands. Felix can feel how his heart skips a beat before it speeds up when the older leans in and leaves a soft, short peck on his lips. “How could someone be better without you?”

 

**[Then]**

Felix doesn’t bring up the subject back during the next month, afraid of screw everything up. Donghyuck doesn’t, either, but their friendship for sure has changed. They kiss a lot when they are alone, and they cuddle a lot too. But if you ask any of them, they are going to say that they’re not dating. They don’t hold hands, they don’t text cheesy things and they don’t go out on dates. But they’re a  _thing_. 

“I’m going to America for Christmas this year,” Jaemin tells him, playing with Felix’s fingers. They’re in Jaemin's room watching some movie that any of them know what is it about. “What about you? Any plans?” 

“I don’t know. Probably just… being around here” 

Jaemin hums and turns his attention to the television again. They are lying in the bed, Felix’s back pressed against the wall. Jaemin is between his legs, with Felix’s arms around him and his back pressed to his chest. He doesn’t let go of Felix’s hand and he doesn’t complain about it, he got used to this by now. It seems to be something pretty normal to be _this_ close between friends here in Korea. Back in Australia, this was something way _too_ personal to do with a simply friend. 

Even if Jaemin is taller than Felix himself, he really likes to look smaller whenever they’re cuddling. Felix likes it, though, being the one that holds the other. Especially because he _loves_ to play with Jaemin’s soft hair. They remain in silence for a couple of minutes, until the brunette breaks it with a loud sigh. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Felix gulps, feeling anxious suddenly. “Um—yeah. Sure.” 

“Did you give your first kiss?” 

“Why would you want to know that?” Felix exclaims, his cheeks feeling warm. 

“That’s a fucking yes!” Jaemin breaks the physical contact and turns to look at Felix’s face. “Oh my God, you never told me. Who was it with?  _When_ was it?” 

“Jaemin-ah,” Felix groans, covering his face. “Can we just watch the movie?” 

“Hell no, I want to know.” 

Felix lets out a suffocated sound. “I can’t—tell you.” 

“What?” Jaemin sounds disappointed. “Why not?” 

“Because—because you—you’re going to feel weird about it.” 

“Did you kiss my cousin?” 

“ _What_? No!” 

“Then I’m not going to feel weird about it, c’mon.” 

“I said no” 

“Felix-ssi,” he tries to take the hands away but Felix shakes his head. “Felix, c’mon; look at me” 

They get into some kind of fight: Jaemin trying to take Felix’s hands away from his face and the other one trying to avoid his gaze. But Jaemin is stronger _and_ taller, and his hands are _bigger_. It’s easy for him to take Felix’s wrists in one hand and press them on the top of his head, at the same time he locks both of the shorter boy's legs, sitting on top of his thighs. 

“I’m not letting you go until you tell me,” Jaemin smiles cockily, using his free hand to cup Felix’s cheek and make him look at his eyes. “Tell me.” 

“No!” 

“Felix-ah,” he whines. “C’mon, tell me.” 

“Jaemin, I swear to God that if you don’t get off of me right now, I’m going to—” 

“What is going on in here?” Jeno is standing in the door frame, looking amused at the situation. “Are we torturing Felix?” 

“No!” 

“Yes!” Jaemin contradicts him immediately. “It turns out that our little Felix gave his first kiss and didn’t tell us about it. I'm trying to know _who_ it was. And when.” 

"Did you try tickling him?" 

"Jeno, I swear to fucking God," Felix exclaims, before looking at Jaemin’s eyes. "Get off of me and I'm going to tell you." 

Jeno suggests calling Donghyuck too, as some sort of emergency meeting because _we’re four_ , after all. Felix wants to deny it, but he doesn’t want to affront this alone. Jaemin and Jeno are their friends; it would be fine if they tell them, right? 

It takes Donghyuck around fifteen minutes to get in there. When he walks in the room, Jaemin is saying random girl names and Felix is shaking his head, Jeno smiling amused in a corner. "What is—? 

"Donghyuck-ah," Jaemin hums, pulling him into the room by his hand. "Can you believe that this boy right here gave his first kiss and didn't tell  _us_  about it?" Felix can see the panic in Donghyuck's face and suddenly feels like shit. Donghyuck’s not ready for this. "Wait, what is that face? You knew about it?" 

"I—this is—" 

"Yeah," Felix clears his throat. "He—he, um... He saw me kissing this girl at school and—um, I asked him to keep it as a secret." 

“I can’t believe it,” Jeno says. “Why wouldn’t you want to tell us? It’s just a kiss, Felix-ssi. We’re—” 

“It’s a lie,” Donghyuck says. Felix looks at him, surprised. “He didn’t— _we_  didn‘t tell you about it because—because we don’t want you two to feel—to hate us.” 

“What are you—?” 

“Jaemin-ssi,” the shorter boy cuts off. “Jeno-ssi,” he sighs deep and closes his eyes. “I’m gay”

The room suddenly plunges in an uncomfortable silence. Donghyuck has his eyes closed, so he doesn’t see the way Jeno and Jaemin look at each other. Felix thinks they’re going to panic in any minute now.

“I’m gay—too,” he says then, swallowing the knot on his throat. “Donghyuck-ssi was my first kiss. That’s why I—we didn't tell you.”

Jeno clears his throat. "So you two are like...? You know— _dating_?"

Felix is unsure of what he should say, but Donghyuck speaks before he can even open his mouth.  “We are not dating. It’s just—it was a one-time thing,” he says, with a small nod. “I’m sorry about this, I’m—I’m going to leave now, I need a moment”

“Donghyuck, wait”

Felix wants to follow Donghyuck just as Jeno does, but Jaemin’s hand holds his wrist and he can’t. Jaemin’s eyes are dark and Felix is afraid. Not of him, but of the feeling of rejection. He can’t go through that again.

“Stay here,” he murmurs then. “Let’s just—let’s talk,” Felix nods, letting the other boy to lead him to the bed to sit. “Felix-ah, you and Donghyuck are two of my best friends. And I love you both, a lot. You know that, right?”

Felix gulps and nods shortly. “Yeah”

“But right now I’m _so_ mad at you. With both of you,” Jaemin says with tears gathering in his eyes. “If I ever made a comment that bother you or that make you think that I could even think of hating you for this, I’m sorry. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t and I don’t get why—”

“My sister Rachel stopped talking to me the day I came out to my family,” Felix confesses. “It’s nothing against you. You know I trust you more than anyone else here, it’s just—it’s hard for me to risk it all again. I don’t want to lose anyone else, Jaemin, I’m so afraid of being alone.”

Felix finally breaks in tears, seeking refuge on Jaemin’s arms. They don’t say anything after that, just lying in the bed, Jaemin holding Felix’s body closer to his own and caressing the blonde’s back. At some point, Felix ends up for falling asleep.

 

**[Now]**

Changbin manages to convince him to wait until autumn it’s over to leave. Felix agrees, he can’t refuse when Changbin uses that face and, besides, there are only two months left. So they go back to the restaurant and eat they dessert, joining to the conversation right away. None of the boys says a single word about the long time they were gone or the way Changbin holds Felix hand on his the entire time.

It’s past midnight when they get back to the motel. Lazy feet craws to each room and sleepy goodnights are said before the doors closes. Felix stays in the hallway for a little longer, rubbing his eyes as he waits for Jeongin to open the door of their room.

"Have a good night, Felix-ah," Hyunjin smiles at him, walking to Seungmin's room with.

"Night, hyung"

"Changbin asked me to switch with him today," Jeongin says and Felix startles a little. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," he smiles. "I can go to the storage room and give him my bed, so you don't have to go."

"Hyung," Jeongin rolls his eyes as he lets out a sigh. "He wants to switch with me so he can be in the room, _with you_. And I'm leaving because I don't want to see any of... whatever you two do when you're alone"

"We just talk!" Felix says with his cheeks red. "We don't do anything else!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jeongin waves a hand as he opens the door of the room. "Just don't touch my bed, please"

Felix is left alone with his face red and embarrassment that crawls through his body. He and Changbin haven't share a room since the first night they met, since the older is always sharing room with Jisung or Hyunjin and Seungmin.

“Are you ready to sleep?”

Changbin looks sleepy and warm, wrap in a too big jacket to be his and with his hair in all directions. Felix tenses a little when the older doesn't even ask for permission before leaning his weight into Felix’s body. He lazily wraps his arms around the taller boy’s neck, mumbling something about how tired he is and about how, since Felix is younger, should carry him. Again, Felix can't say no.    

The room is a bit cold and Felix offers Changbin to turn on the stove, but the older shakes his head. “You’re always warm. Let me sleep with you?”

Felix ends up lying in his — _Changbin’s?_ — bed, his back pressed against the mattress while Changbin lies half on top of him. He has one of his arms behind his head, using it as a pillow; the other one is wrapped lazily around Changbin’s waist.

Felix can’t seem to get to sleep, not after the conversation they had, which is still repeating again and again in his head. Changbin had a tough life. Felix had it too, just in a different way. He sighs, his breath making the boy on his chest to shift in his sleep.

“I like it when people plays with my hair if I can't sleep,” Changbin whispers with his husky voice, reaching Felix's hair with a hand and beginning to stroke it. “It feels nice.”

 _It’s warm_ , Felix’s thinks for second time in the day.

It feels nice, correct and warm.

And he wants to kiss Changbin _so bad_.

“Sleep well, hyung.”

 

**[Then]**

Felix tries really hard for a couple of weeks. He and the boys are about to graduate, just a month away from that, when everything crashes down.

Rachel got back from the dorms in the college to spend a few days with the family, two days ago. She avoids Felix like the plague, after giving him an awkward hug the day she arrived. This doesn't go unnoticed to Ji-eun, their step-mother, so she intervenes and calls them both to have a talk.

Felix loves Ji-eun. He doesn’t think of her as a mother, they way Olivia almost does, but he really appreciate her. And he's so thankful to her; for let them stay there, for not giving any special treatment between his blood relative son and them, for treating the three of them as if they were her actual children.

Ji-eun welcomed Felix with open arms, even if he was the last one to get here. She always tried to make him feel comfortable, always tried to help him with homework and adaptation. Felix is happy for that, and for the fact that Olivia can have something similar to a mother.

“So,” Ji-eun smiles warmly. She has this thing were her eyes wrinkle anytime she smiles and Felix thinks that that makes her look more friendly. “I know that you are stressed about college, Rachel-ah. And it haven’t been easy for you either, Felix-ah, I know adaptation can take a long time. But,” she plays with her hands, unsure of what to say. "I've seen that there's a bit of... tension between you two. Has something happened? Did you two have a fight or something like that?"

Felix looks at Rachel but she doesn't look back so he fixes his gaze in his hands. "No, we didn't. It just as you said, I'm a bit out because of the adaptation and Ray-Ray—"

"Stop calling me that!" Rachel rages, his fist clenching on the table. "It fucking disgusts me"

"Rachel," Ji-eun says firmly. "You better take that back, young lady. He's your brother and we don't talk about family like that"

"But I don't want _him_ being my brother!" Rachel cries, the anger filling every word she says. "I don’t want that kind of— _monster_ being my blood relative, it's not normal! He's not normal!"

"Rachel!" the woman repeats. "You better apologize to Felix, right now," she says, pointing to the boy. "What's gotten into you to say all that stuff? You're hurting him"

But Rachel doesn't say anything, storming out of the kitchen. Ji-eun stands up from her place ready to follow her, but Felix's sobs stop the woman. She kneels next to the boy, caressing his back.

Felix cries a lot but Ji-eun doesn't leave his side. She whispers comforting words, touching his hair and giving a few tissues to clean his face once Felix is done. Ji-eun smiles at him and Felix hates the pity that the smile has.  

“Eomeo-nim,” Felix whispers. “I’m sorry”

“It’s not your fault,” she says, fixing Felix’s hair. “I'm going to talk to her and we are going to work this thing out, yeah? Like the family we are”

Felix lets out a shaky breath and shakes his head, trying not to cry again. “Don’t do it. Please don’t—,” he begs. “She’s right. I’m—I’m a monster. I’m—”

“Felix-ssi, you’re an angel,” she cups his face, caressing both cheeks with her thumbs. “Don’t say that. Your sister is angry, it’s normal. She’s under a lot of pressure and stress,” Ji-eun smiles. “I’m going to fix it, yeah? Don’t worry.”

Ji-eun leaves the kitchen after kissing Felix’s forehead. Felix starts crying again.

 

**[Now]**

Felix has lost the count of how many times he felt just comfortable with the idea of the boys being touchy around him. He loves the idea of cuddles with Hyunjin or Jisung; or the way Jeongin always leans his head into Felix's shoulder as if it's the most normal thing; or how Chan _really_ likes to give hugs to everyone at the most random moments.

He likes the way Minho searches for physic contact in the most subtle way, with fingers touching somebody’s thigh, or hands ruffing somebody’s hair. And even if Seungmin denies it, he likes when people hug him (or maybe only when Hyunjin and Jeongin hug him, but it doesn’t matter because Felix keeps doing it anyways). Woojin, on the other hand, is _always_ around someone, like some kind of cuddle monster.

But it’s different with Changbin. Of course it’s different.

Changbin is the smaller of them all regarding to his physique and it makes him the favorite target when somebody wants a hug. It's just feels right to hold him, to round his small waist and have his breath tickling on your neck.

Felix really likes it. No, scratch that. Felix _loves_ it.

“For how long are you going to space out? Because I'm hungry and the food is not going to cook by itself”

Felix flushes and goes back to peel the potatoes on his hands. “I’m sorry, hyung”

"What are you even thinking about?" Chan inquiries, crossing his arms as he rest his hips against the counter. “Is something bothering you?”

“No, no,” he shakes his head and keeps avoiding the Chan’s eyes. “I just got a little distracted, that's all.”

“Felix-ssi,” Chan touches his shoulder. “You know you can tell me, right? We’re friends.”

Felix feels his hands shaking a little while the warm gets to his cheeks. He knows they're friends and he knows he can talk to Chan, Felix has told him a lot about his past to him already, even about Donghyuck. Chan has always listened to him without questioning anything. But this..., this is different.

_Changbin is different._

“Are you blushing?”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Felix whines, covering his face with his hands. “Please, stop it.”

"I think I know what’s happening in here,” Chan says amused.

Felix doesn't uncover his face, just spying the older in between his fingers. "You do?"

"I think, it's just a hunch," he tilts his head. "Don't you prefer to tell me before I jump into my own conclusions?"

Felix hesitates. It’s fine, right? Chan and he _are_ friends ater all, and the older has shown him already that Felix can trust him. “I—I think I like…, someone,” he murmurs the lowest he can, his voice barely audible.

“Mhm,” Chan nods. “Someone from here, am I right?”

Felix nods. “Yes”

“You want me to guess the name?”

“ _Hyung_ ,” he groans again, feeling how his face gets even hotter. “Stop torturing me”

“I’m pretty sure Changbin likes you, too,” Chan says after a moment, a smile on his face as he palms Felix’s back twice. “You should talk to him.”

 

**[Then]**

“Jaeyong, Olivia, please go upstairs,” Hyungdon orders three days after, when they finish dinner. “Rachel, you too,” he says. “I want to talk to Felix privately.”

Felix’s face loses his color and he feels sick on the stomach suddenly. _He knows_ , a voice in his head says. _He knows about it_.

His siblings don’t even complaining, going upstairs after thanking for the food. Ji-eun, nevertheless, doesn't leave the dining-room, moving to seat next to Felix. She takes his hand and Felix holds onto it like his life depends on it.

“Felix-ah,” Ji-eun starts, taking a moment as she thinks on what to say. “I—we talked to Rachel.”

“You—you did?” Felix mutters as a shiver runs down his spine. “What did she—what did she said?”

"Your sister said that it wasn't her place to say anything," Hyungdon interrupts. "She said that you should tell us about your problem by yourself."

“I—” Felix tries to gulp the growing knoct on his throat. Suddenly, the room feels too stuffy to be there. “I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s something that’s causing you trouble, Felix-ssi?” Ji-eun smiles at him. “Do you have any trouble at school, or is somebody bothering you in there?”

Felix shakes his head, feeling how the tears finally start falling. “No, it’s not—”

“Why are you crying?” his father inquires. “You shouldn’t cry. If you have a problem and you can't face it by yourself, then you should tell us about it so we can find a way to fix it. You’re seventeen years old, Felix; you’re graduating from school pretty soon. Man up for once, you need to face your problems or the world it’s going to eat you—”

“Hyungdon-ah, stop it,” Ji-eun cuts him off. “This is not what he needs right now.”

Felix takes a deep, shaky breath. “I'm gay,” he says. “That’s—that’s it.”

 

**[Now]**

“I’m going to Australia for Christmas,” Chan announces one Thursday on their weekly movie night. “My flight is scheduled for December 22, so if any of you needs a ride home, I can drop you the day before.”

Woojin finishes the handful of popcorn that he stuffed in his mouth seconds ago. "I think I'm staying in the motel this year." He shrugs. “Not in the mood for traveling all the way there.” 

 _There._ No _home._

“You literally need to take two buses to get there, hyung,” Jeongin rolls his eyes.

“We can travel together,” Minho proposes then. “I’ve to take the same buses, you know.” 

“Hyung,” Jisung says as he pulls the sleeve of Minho’s hoodie to call his attention. “Are you going to go home?” 

There’s a sudden silence around the room and Felix feels a little bit lost. It seems like Minho’s family is a delicate topic to talk about, but he doesn’t question anything. The older boy seems a bit down, giving Jisung a forcefully smile. 

“He should go if he wants to, Jisungie,” Changbin speaks then. “It’s Minho’s choice.”

“I know that, it’s just—” the orange-haired turns to look at Minho in the eyes. “Are you—are you sure, hyung?”

Minho nods, looking much relaxed. “It’ll be fine. It’s going to be just a couple of days, shouldn’t be a problem.”

Jisung nods and sighs, shifting his position until he’s lying in Minho’s arms. Nobody says anything else, but Felix’s can tell that the movie have been forgotten because nobody is paying actual attention to it.

"What about us?" Seungmin asks then, his head resting in Felix's lap. "Are we going to Seoul this year, hyungs?"

Hyunjin and Changbin exchange a look and Felix feels a little envious about how they seem to understand each other without using words. "I'm not going this year, I'm sorry," Changbin smiles at him. "I'll be here, keeping company to Woojin-hyung if he stays too."

"I'll go with you if you want me to, Seungminie,” Hyunjin offers. “I can crash in some hotel while you're with your family."

"You can come home with me," Seungmin offers, looking a little shy. "Jeongin, you can come too. Mom wants to see you again since last time."

Felix doesn’t talk while the group plans their schedules. He knows he has places where he can go. Jaemin and his family, for example, who loves Felix like another family member and wouldn’t hesitate in let him spend the festivities there. But he would probably see his own family if that happens, too. 

No, Felix is not ready for that yet.

“Felix-ssi, what about you?” Jisung asks then. “You got any plans?”

“I’m just—staying here, I guess,” he clears his throat. “There’s nowhere I can go right now.”

“It’s okay, kid,” Chan smiles, ruffing Felix’s hair. “This is your home now and you can spend all the time you want here.”

 

**[Then]**

The lights on Jaemin’s house are off, except for the weak glow of the television of his room that can be seen thought the window. Felix sends him a text with shaky hands, and it doesn't take more than a minute before the lock of the front door is being open. Jaemin is there, holding him in his arms before Felix an even say something.

It’s not unusual for Jaemin to be alone at home. His parents spend too little time there due their jobs and the brown-haired is used to that already. This time, nevertheless, Jeno is there too. He walks out of Jaemin’s room shirtless and with his hair in all directions, looking concerned.

“They found out,” Jaemin explains to him before Jeno can even say something. “I’m going to get some ice for Felix’s eye, don’t leave him alone.”

Hugging Jeno is nothing like hugging Jaemin, but Felix can’t care less about it now. He lets the taller wrap him in his arms, using his shoulder to cry. Jeno murmurs comforting words, caressing Felix's back softly.

“Here,” Jaemin smiles at Felix. “Let’s put this on your eye before it gets bruised.”

“They hit him?” Jeno gasps. "They hit you?"

"Jeno-yah, it's not the time, Felix needs—"

"I know. I'm sorry, I just—" the blonde runs a hand through his hair. "I'm going to call Donghyuck, yeah?

"No," Felix sobs, holding weakly Jeno's wrist. "Please, don't call him."

Jeno and Jaemin look at each other before nodding shortly. “Okay,” Jaemin says. “Okay”

They spend the night on the couch, Felix on the middle of the other two. Jeno falls asleep first, around five in the morning, and Jaemin follows him quickly. But Felix can’t sleep, though, so he goes to the backyard and sits in the ground, looking at sunrise.

His left eye hurts like hell where his father —can Felix still call him like that?—, but the pain that burns in his chest feels much worse. He's probably never going to forget the hate on his father’s eyes, or the way Ji-eun started crying and asking what she did wrong.

He's not going to forget the look on Olivia's eyes either, asking Felix to forgive her. Maybe for not being the strong enough to protect her brother, maybe for not wanting to get in the middle of the fight and get hurt too.

The thing that killed him the most, nevertheless, was the look on Jaeyong's eyes. The look of shame, of disappointment in the younger’s eyes. His father is an asshole and Jaeyong is being raise by him, with his moral and the same postures he has, so Felix shouldn’t be surprised of his little brother reaction.

But it took him by surprise anyways, and it hurts a lot.

 

**[Now]**

Christmas finally arrives. Most of the group has gone home a couple of days ago, so it feels a lot quieter— _emptier_ than it usually does. But even if there are only four left, they manage to divide the tasks.

Felix ends up at the kitchen with Changbin—he suspects that Jisung picking the pairs has something to do with that, but he doesn’t say anything. Both of them are in charge of making the tteokbokki, while Woojin and Jisung make the dessert.

“Felix-ah,” Changbin hums, bumping his hip into Felix’s one. “Are you good with your hands?”

Felix chokes on his spit. “What—what are you asking, hyung?”

“What are _you_ thinking, you brat?” The older says with a smirk. “I was just asking because I have this _huge_ muscle contracture and I thought that you could give me a massage.”

Felix knows it’s a lie. He has learned that Changbin knows that nobody's resist him when he puts _that face_ and he takes advantage on that. Felix knows he’s weak for it, too, so he eventually ends up massaging Changbin’s neck and shoulders. His skin is warm under Felix’s hands.  Or maybe it’s just him who feels that the room it’s getting hotter.

“You are really good at this,” Changbin compliments. “Like, _really_ good.”

Felix clears his throat, taking his hands away from the shorter boy. “Thank you, hyung.”

Changbin has a big, bright smile when he turns around, leaning his hips against the counter. Felix can feel the itch in his hands because he _wants_ to touch him. He wants to hug him, to kiss him, to make him his own, and it’s driving him insane.

Felix opens his mouth to say something— _anything_ , really, but Changbin is faster and closes the gap between them, wrapping both of his arms around Felix’s neck and pulling him closer. Felix's hands fly to the other’s hips as a reflex.

“Are you afraid of me?” Changbin murmurs as he rubs his nose against Felix’s. “Are you afraid that I could break your heart?”

Felix gulps. “Yeah”

“I’m scared, too,” he closes his eyes, leaning closer. “You could leave any day without even looking back, and you would be taking my heart with you.”

Felix can feel how his heart beat races at those words. He wants to tell him that he's not going anywhere, but the words doesn't seem to come out off his mouth. 

Felix sneaks his hands under Changbin's hoodie and caresses the skin on his lower back. It's warm, so warm. Changbin smiles a little breathless, slightly dragging his nails on the skin on Felix’s nape until he reaches his hair. Felix parts his lips at the shiver that runs down his spine, gasping for air.

“What the hell is that smell?”

-

Woojin enters the room holding two plastic bags. “Chan is going to kill us all if he finds out that we burn our dinner and stole this from the store, so this is our secret, got it?”

“Excuse me?” Jisung says offended. “It was Changbin and Felix’s fault, not mine!”

“Excuse _me_?” Changbin gasps. “It was his fault!”

“As if you weren’t provoking him on purpose, Changbin-ah,” Woojin lifts his eyebrows with a cocky smile on his face. “You distracted him so it’s your fault too.”

“Yeah, you two were making out at the kitchen when I got there," Jisung accuses. "Don't you try to go out of this unpunished.”

"We weren't—!" Felix exclaims, feeling his cheeks get redder at how loud his voice actually sounded. He clears his throat and looks away. "We weren't making out"

“Well,” Jisung sighs. “You should just go for it.”

“Yeah, the sexual tension that you two give off it’s awful to see”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Felix whines, covering his face in embarrassment.

 

**[Then]**

“Is this some kind of joke?” Jeno inquires his arms crosses. “Because let me tell you: it isn’t funny at all.”

Felix gulps, trying to ease the knot on his throat. He can't stop the tears that stream down his face because it feels so wrong, but it's what Felix needs right now. He hopes Jaemin and Jeno can understand why he's doing this. He hopes Donghyuck understands him, too.

“I’m sorry,” Felix cries when he gets the courage enough to speak. “I’m really sorry.” 

Jaemin nods shortly, his eyes red from crying. He looks away and takes a deep breath before looking back at Felix. “Why?” 

“Because I can’t handle it anymore,” Felix whispers. “I can’t, Nana. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing we can do to…? It has to be a way, Felix,” Jeno insist. “You can stay at my house for some time, and then we will figure something—”

“Jeno-yah," the words feel heavy in his mouth. "Jaemin-ah. I need to do this. I—” he takes a deep breath. “I’ll be back..., someday. I promise you that.”

“Did you tell Donghyuck about this?” Jeno asks but Felix avoids his gaze. “You’re going to break his heart," he says harshly, both hands clench into fists. "He fucking _loves you_ , Felix; you can’t do this to him. You—”

“Jeno,” Jaemin cuts him off. “He’s not going to change his mind.” 

“Donghyuck is going to be fine,” Felix says, trying to believe his own words. “You two are going to be fine, too,” he smiles between the tears. “You are going to forget me soon. This is the best for all of us, this—” 

Felix finally breaks into tears when Jaemin pulls him into a tight hug. Jeno doesn’t waste time joining them, even if he’s mad. It’s a mess, and it hurts like hell, but this is the best. Felix is not happy here. He doesn’t fit; he doesn’t feel a part of the world he’s living into. And he’s not wanted here either. He needs to go away and found that part that he feels is _missing_. 

“I hate you for doing this,” Jaemin cries in his shoulder. “I hate you for leaving me like this.” 

“I know,” Felix sobs, tightening the hug, “I’m sorry, Nana. I’m so, _so_ sorry.” 

“Felix,” Jeno murmurs in his ear. “Please, don’t leave like this. You know about his feeling, just—just _please_ , talk to him.”

Felix thinks in Donghyuck and how he’s right now taking an important exam to get in the SNU. He thinks in his eyes, in his beautiful smile and in the way his lips are so soft pressed against his. He thinks in those parts that only he knows about Donghyuck, and in the way Felix is probably going to break his heart. He hopes Donghyuck doesn’t hate him for this. He deserves better, after all.

Felix gives a small nod, breaking the hug. “I will”

“Where are you going to go?” Jeno asks after a few minutes. “Do you even have money?” 

“I do,” Felix nods. “Kind of…, I’m just going to take a bus and see—see what happens.” 

“You are fucking crazy,” Jaemin says, caressing his cheeks. “I can’t let you do this, Felix. This is dangerous, you can’t—” 

“Nana,” Felix smiles softly. “I'm going to be fine,” he assures. “Please, take care of each other while I’m gone.”

-

Donghyuck cries in his arms for a couple of minutes, before kissing him with fervor, trying to show Felix all the emotions that are burning inside of his chest. The blonde kisses him back, tasting Donghyuck’s tears in his lips, and the goodbye that no of them dares to pronounce.

“You are an asshole,” the brunette cries against his lips. “Don’t go, Felix.”

“Please, don’t,” Felix whispers softly. “Don’t ask me to do that. You know I can’t stay here.”

Donghyuck nods as he puts distance between he and Felix. “I know,” he sighs. “I’m just—I’m so afraid that I'll probably miss you my whole life.”

"I'm going to miss you too," Felix murmurs as he tries not to cry again. "I'm going to miss you so, so much."

-

Jaemin and Jeno take him to the bus station and shower him with hugs. They make Felix promise that he’s going to come back someday and he does, even if his chest hurts with the lie because he just doesn’t know. Felix doesn’t know where he’s going, if he’s ever going to come back.

Donghyuck is not there. Felix’s gets it; he was the one that asked the brunette to stay at home after all. It’s just too painful for him to see the pain in Donghyuck’s eyes, and he doesn’t want to go through that again.

The bus leaves at three in the afternoon. Felix sits in the middle of the vehicle and waves to his friends. Jaemin tries to stay calm and smile the longer he can, but ends up breaking in tears in Jeno’s arms.

Felix doesn’t look back, nevertheless.

There’s nothing left in that place for him.

They're better without him.

 

**[Now]**

It’s been almost a year since Felix arrived to the motel.

Felix thinks it’s pretty crazy how it feels like he had spent much more time there. It's just that the feeling of home that the place and the boys give to him never goes way, and Felix loves it. He wouldn’t mind to stay around here for a couple of years more.

By the time that New Year arrives, the nine of them are back in the motel together. Chan is the last one to get there, on the morning of New Year Eve with two bags full of Christmas lights. They spent the whole day decorating the motel. 

This time the food ends up being eatable and the group share anecdotes around the tables of the convenience store while having dinner. It feels nice, it feels familiar. Felix thinks— _knows,_ he knows he can get used to this.  

“We should go outside,” Jisung claps excitedly when the clock hits 11:30 pm. “Just a couple of minutes for the fireworks.”

Felix shivers when they step out of the store into the cold weather but the smile never leaves his face. He feels euphoric.

The group splits pretty fast; Jeongin and Seungmin makes Hyunjin climb into the roof of the van with them, to have a better view of the fireworks. Woojin wraps Chan’s shoulders with his arm, pulling the younger closer to cover him with his blanket—it doesn’t go unnoticed to Felix how _personal_ it looks. Next to them, Minho back-hugs Jisung, whispering things in the younger boy’s ear that makes him giggle.

Nobody pays attention their chests are pressed against each other, or the way Felix’s hands are resting on Changbin’s hips, lazily tracing circles with his thumbs. None of them pay attention to the way Changbin plays with the hair in Felix’s neck, either, or the way he places soft kisses in his jaw and the curvature of the younger's neck, where he has his face hidden. 

“One minute!” Jisung exclaims suddenly. “Be ready, everyone.” 

Changbin looks up at him and smirks shortly. Felix hates that smile because it makes him go weak. He ruffs one hand through the shorter boy’s hair, before placing it in his cheek. Changbin leans into the contact, closing his eyes for a moment. They are dark with desire when he fixes his eye into Felix's again.

“Are you going to kiss me now?” He whispers.

Felix smiles and leans in. They meet in the middle with a soft brush of their lips. It’s just that, a slightly touch, a gentle pressure, but Felix swears that the fireworks are inside of his stomach and not in the sky above them. Changbin tastes like magic in his mouth. Like home, like the right place and the right moment.

The boys scream a happy new year collective and they breaks the kiss to join them. There are hugs and hands ruffing through hairs everywhere. Felix is smiling wide, clinging into Seungmin who complains about not wanting any love, when Jisung jumps into his arms, crying that he's happy Felix is still there with them. That warms his heart.

Changbin finally approaches him again after a few minutes of talking with Hyunjin. Felix opens his coat a little and lets the older boy get in there. He shivers a little to the cold air and hugs the other closer. “It’s so damn cold,” he mumbles, breathing on top of Changbin’s lips. 

“Good thing that you are hot as fuck.”

Felix laughs feeling a little flustered, before kissing him again.

-

The nine of them ends up in Seungmin’s room, stacked together in a messy pile of blankets and mattresses. They turn on the TV but don’t really pay attention to it, submerging between conversations until everyone is way too tired to even talk.  

Felix has his back pressed into one of the mattress on the floor while Changbin lies comfy on top of him, placing kisses where Felix's neck joins his shoulder. The younger can't stop thinking about how it feels like the touch of a feather, slightly tickling him.

It’s probably past four in the morning by now, Felix absently thinks. “You should sleep,” he whispers, fixing Changbin’s hair. “It’s late”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

Changbin remains in silence for a moment before shifting his position to face Felix. “Are you happy?” 

“What are you talking about, hyung?” 

“I just—I don’t know,” he sighs. Felix shivers under him, feeling Changbin’s finger tracing the line of his clavicle. “I don’t want you to leave”

Felix smiles as he feels a warm feeling spreading through his chest. “Hyung,” he calls. “I strongly believe that every single thing that happened in my life, brought me here. To this place, to them,” a small pause. “To you”

Even if he can't see it, Felix knows Changbin hides his face in his shoulder because he's blushing right now. He can't help but laugh softly, hugging the smaller body closer to his.

"You never told me something like that," Jisung's complain comes from the mattress next to them. "Why you never told me something like that, hyung?"

Chan groans from some place in the room. “Can you all please go to sleep?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin agrees. “I can hear Felix and Changbin whispering their love for each other, along with Minho sucking Jisung’s life through his mouth.”

“You’re just jealous, Hyunjin-hyung”

“I have two boyfriends, you idiot. Why would I even be jealous?”

“Can you all shut the fuck up?” Woojin groans. “I’m trying to get some sleep in here, you exhibitionists.”

Felix can’t help but laugh again. _This feels warm_ , he thinks as he hugs Changbin closer, hearing the other boys still arguing around the room.

Yeah, this feels nice. Like family, like home.

 _Finally_ like home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read this :)


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